zoo jokes

Zoo Joke 1

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they ll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Zoo Joke 2

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”? “Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Zoo Joke 3

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.” He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.” Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”

Zoo Joke 4

Father and son standing outside the elephant’s cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, “If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us.”

Zoo Joke 5

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. “Look in the lion’s mouth,” the vet told him. “How do I do that?” he asked. “Carefully,” replied the vet.

Zoo Joke 6

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.

Zoo Joke 7

I was in the zoo last week. Really? Which cage were you in?

Zoo Joke 8

I took my son to the zoo yesterday. Really, did they accept him?

Zoo Joke 9

Some vampires went to see Dracula. They said, “Drac, we want to open a zoo. Have you got any advice?” “Yes,” replied Dracula, “have lots of giraffes.”

Zoo Joke 10

Come on, Fred, I ll take you to the zoo. If the zoo wants me, let them come and get me!

Zoo Joke 11

Fred’s class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. “Did you enjoy yourself?” asked her mother when she got home. “Oh, yes,” replied Fred. “But it was funny going to a dead zoo.”

Zoo Joke 12

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, “it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street.”

Zoo Joke 13

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him. The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!” The new truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we re going to see a movie.”

Zoo Joke 14

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu’s ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary’s turn to “survey” the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU’s EAR!

Zoo Joke 15

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …” “Yes, son?” the father said expectantly. “What bus should I take home?” the boy finished.

Zoo Joke 16

Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. “Go and clean out the aquarium” he was told. Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do. “Throw them to the lions” said the head keeper, “the lions will eat anything”. So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion’s cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions. “Dont worry” said the head keeper, “just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything”. So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. “I know what to do”, he thinks to himself “I ll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything”, whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage. The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. “Hows the accommodation?”, she asks. “Fine” comes the reply from one lion. “And whats the food like?” she asks. “Not bad” replies another, “yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees”.

Zoo Joke 17

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, “If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!”

Zoo Joke 18

Hey, Pop, pleaded Angelo, “can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?” “What’s the matter with you?” asked his father. “Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?”

Zoo Joke 19

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar. “Let’s get out of here!” said Sauer. “Go on, if n you want to,” said the other redneck. “But Ah m stayin for the whole movie!”

Zoo Joke 20

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, “Have you looked in the yellow pages”? The director said he hadn t, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under “animal capturing service” he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. “Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?”, the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. “Hop in the truck”, the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles. The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat. “Now,” the little man said, “I m going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I m going to knoc k the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we’ve got him. The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said “I m not too sure about this — What’s the gun for?” The little man said, “Look, I m an expert. I know what I m doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it ll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!”

Zoo Joke 21

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend,”I have one question.Did he sent flowers afterwards…?”

Zoo Joke 22

Caller: Finally! I got through! I’ve been trying to call the zoo for hours! Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were busy!

Zoo Joke 23

A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages “An whut animal would that be ?” he asked the keeper. “Thats a moose from Canada”, came the reply. “A moose !!”, exclaimed the Scotsman. “Hoots, mon, if that’s a moose then they must ha rats the size of elephants over there !”

Zoo Joke 24

What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film? Stop playing it cagey!

Zoo Joke 25

When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order? A zoo-t suit!

Zoo Joke 26

FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla? BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . . BERT: What did you do? FRED: Oh, I d had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

Zoo Joke 27

What’s the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo? In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

Zoo Joke 28

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan’s reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left. “So how was it?” Elaine asked when they returned home. “Great,” Little Jordan replied. “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked Elaine. “Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, “especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!”

Zoo Joke 29

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses? Nothing, he didn’t recognize them!

Zoo Joke 30

Zoo Keeper:”I’ve lost one of my elephants” Other Zoo Keeper:”Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?” Zoo Keeper:”Don’t be silly, he can’t read!”

Zoo Joke 31

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad,” the boy said finally, “if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …” “Yes, son?” the father said expectantly. “What bus should I take home?” the boy finished.

Zoo Joke 32

You don’t see many reindeer in zoos, do you? No. They can’t afford the admission.

Zoo Joke 33

Zoo visitor: What’s the new baby hippo’s name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don’t know, he won’t tell me.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley? A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

A blonde is driving through Florida on her way to Disneyland. As she gets closer she sees a sign that says, 'Disneyland left'. So she turns around and goes home.

A farmer is hunting in a forest when a stunning young blonde walks up to him totally naked. He gets really excited and says to her, "Are you game?" The blonde replies, "Yes I am." So he shoots her.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

Husband: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here lies my wife, Cold as Ever'."

Wife: "Yeah? Yours will read, 'Here lies my husband. Stiff at last!' "

A man was driving along in his car one Sunday afternoon when he was pulled over by a police car. "Have you been drinking sir?" said the police officer. "No", said the man, "Why? Was I driving badly?" "No", said the Officer, "you were driving splendidly, it was the fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

A brunette goes to the doctor and, as she touches each part of her body with her finger, she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was," she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

Parts of Liverpool were closed off today after a suspicious device was found on a car. Police later found out it was a tax disc.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Three mothers; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The brunette said; "I was looking through my daughter's things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead says; "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks." The blonde says; "I was looking through my daughters things, and I found a box of condoms. I can't believe my daughter has a penis."

How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?" "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." "Wow, what does it look like after sex?" "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

 

 

An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

 

 

 

One day the zookeeper noticed that the Orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

 

"Well," said the Orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

 

 

 

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

 

 

Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."

 

 

Two seniors are standing in front of the Hotel Duluth when they see a penguin walking by. Pat grabs it and asks Mike, "what should I do with him?"

Mike says, "Why don't you take him out to the zoo?"

The next day in front of the Hotel, Mike sees Pat walking with the penguin on a leash. "I thought I told you to take him to the zoo," says Mike.

"I did," says Pat, "and we had such a good time that tonight I think I'll take him to the hockey game!"

 

 

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.

"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Carefully," replied the vet.

 

 

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

;�hn�����t-align: -webkit-auto; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); ">The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"


 

One day the zookeeper noticed that the Orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the Orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."






The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."



Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."



Two seniors are standing in front of the Hotel Duluth when they see a penguin walking by. Pat grabs it and asks Mike, "what should I do with him?"
Mike says, "Why don't you take him out to the zoo?"
The next day in front of the Hotel, Mike sees Pat walking with the penguin on a leash. "I thought I told you to take him to the zoo," says Mike.
"I did," says Pat, "and we had such a good time that tonight I think I'll take him to the hockey game!"




A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.
"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.
"How do I do that?" he asked.
"Carefully," replied the vet.



A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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