It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”. The next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.
“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven.”
Tiger: “Why is that?”
Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”
Tiger: “You’re a day late.”
Top Ten Tiger Woods Text Messages
10. I’m sorry, which mistress is this again?
9. I was dreaming about you when I was passed outi n the street.
8. RU a cop?
7. You’re breaking up with me for Lee Trevino?
6. Sorry about last night–I had the yips.
5. Did I leave a green jacket at your place?
4. My wife has the car. I’ll have to pick you up in the golf cart.
3. Why aren’t the LPGA girls interested?
2. Hey Tiger…it’s Tiger…Wanna have sex tonight?
1. Thanks for changing your grip.
The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)
There are jokes about the affair rumors:
Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.
Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's. (That joke has been re-posted about 50 times in comments, so I think we can stop adding it anew to the comment thread.)
And jokes about Tiger's car crash started surfacing within minutes of the initial reports of the accident, including these:
Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.