whats the difference between a lorry load of sand and a lorry load of babies?
you cant unload a lorry load of sand with a pitch fork
whats worse than2 dead baby's in a dustbin
one dead baby in 2 dusbins
One day a tourist walked up to a pirate with an eye patch and a hook. "How did you lose your hand?
" he asked. Said the pirate "I lost it in a swordfight." "Oh! Is that how you lost your eye?
" asked the tourist. "No, I lost that the day I looked up and a seagull crapped in my eye." replied the pirate. "I didn't know that would put someone's eye out!" said the tourist. The pirate said "It won't, that was the first day I had my hook!"
A married man was being unfaithful to his wife, and giving another woman pleasure with his hands, but he lost his wedding ring. he tried putting a finger up to see if he could find it, but couldn'y, so he put in his whole hand, still no luck, so he tried deeper, until his whole arm disappeared, he still had no luck, and eventually he climbed all the way inside. when inside he saw another man, so he asked "have you seen my wedding ring", to which the man replied "nope, you seen my trac'or?
Chant on an Alzheimers Demonstration
What do we want?
When do we want it?
Bloke is having sex with a prostitute when he starts suckling on her chest. Much to his surprise he gets a warm mouthful.
He looks up at her and says "Gee, I would have thought you were too old to give milk!"
She says "I am, but I'm not too old to have cancer."
The Queen and Princess Di were travelling in a Range Rover. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a highwayman appears.
"Your money, jewels, everything ... or your life."
So the Queen takes off all her jewellery - necklace, bracelet, earrings, rings, etc. - and hands them over to him. Princess Di only gives him a necklace though.
"Well dear," said the highwayman, "Just a necklace?
Afraid I'll have to take the Range Rover then."
So the highwayman takes his booty and disappears, leaving the two women beside the road.
The Queen was a bit curious. "How come you got away with only giving him a necklace?
Surely you've got more than that?
" she asks Princess Di.
"Well I do," Di replies, "I just shoved the lot up my cunt."
"Oh yeah, brilliant idea! Should've thought of that before. Wish Fergie was here though, she could've saved the Range Rover for us."
woman goes to the doctor's and she says 'doctor i'm having serious abdominal pains.'
Doctor says 'well i'll have to run some tests and i'll see you again on wednesday' Wednesday, woman goes to the doctors, doctor asks her to take a seat...
Doctor: well mrs Green i'm afraid your going to have to start buying a lot of nappies in the near future.
mrs G: oh i'm not pregnant again am I doctor?
DR: no, it's bowel cancer
Q: what do you get if you put a baby in a microwave?
A: an erection.
Q: how do you know ET is a scouser?
A: he looks like one.
two fish in a tank; one says 'are you sure you can drive this thing'.
Q: how can you tell if an essex girls having an orgasm?
A: she drops her chips.
Q: why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A: well wouldn't you if you called 'nnrrrrrggghhh'
What's long, pink, stiff and makes a woman scream in the morning ?
A cot death.
how can you spot a blindman in a nudist camp?
it aint hard!
What did OJ Simpson say to Judge Ito after the trial was over?
"Can I have my glove back now please?
what's got two legs and bleeds?
half a dog
hear about the blind man who bled to death trying to read a cheese grater.
why is a woman like a fridge?
they both drip when they are fucked
What do you call two epeleptics in a swimming pool?
Whats the name of the smallest pub in the world?
The thalidomides arms!!
What goes VVVVRRRROOOOOOMMMMMMsplatsplatsplatsplatwaaaaaaasplat?
A chainsaw in a maternity ward...
Did you hear that OJ's getting married again?
He said he's going to have another stab at it.
Slags 3 Elephant 1
Three slags went to a fairground and noticed a sign saying 'shag an elephant for 10 quid'. So the first slag pays her money and sneaks off round the back off one of the marquees with an elephant. Half an hour later she returns looking exhausted but happy and said 'that was amazing, it really hit the spot' second slag pays her money and goes off on the tunnel of love with the elephant, comes back half an hour later saying how good it was and how the elephant had behaved like a perfect gentleman throughout etc.' so the third slag pays her money and goes off somewhere quiet with the elephant. Half an hour later she staggers back with a broken pelvis and looking very much the worse for wear if you'll pardon the expressions. So the first 2 slags ask 'what happened to you?
' the 3rd slag replies 'the bastard tried to finger me!'
what's blue and green and doesn't fit anymore?
a dead epileptic.
Q: what do you call an epileptic having a fit in a deck-chair?
A: a transformer
how many mexicans does it take to grease a car?
one if you hit him right.
why did the mexicans only have 200 men at the alamo?
they only had two cars.
what do you call a mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry martinez.
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
why does the mersey run through liverpool?
if it walked it'd get mugged.
Why do pidgeons fly upside down over liverpool?
nothing worth shitting on.
what do you call ten scousers drowning in the mersey?
a good start.
how do you save a scouser from drowning?
how may perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one - but it takes an expert medical team to remove it afterwards.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; same as it takes to screw anywhere else.... Have to be a big lightbulb though.
a bloke goes for his interview to join the south african police force and the interviewer says 'right here's a gun with six bullets in it, all you have to do to join the force is to shoot five coloured people and one white rabbit.' so the interviewee asks 'why do you want me to shoot a white rabbit?
' to which the interviewer replies 'good answer, you're in'
bloke goes to a prostitute and says i'm skint can I shag you for a tenner?
so she's not had a better offer all night so she says 'well ok then.'
Anyway, avoiding the gory details, after they've finished doing business, the bloke gives her 20 quid and says 'if i'd known you were a virgin I would have offered 20 anyway.' to which the prostitute replies 'if i'd known you had a twenty i'd have taken my tights off first!'
What do you call a dog with wings?
why did Fred West's first wife leave him?
she was sick of having the kids under her feet all day.
What to avoid saying to the gloucester constabulary when inviting them 'round for a party
'i'll provide the drinks if you can dig up some women.'
Q: How do the police know that Fred West's victims were female?
A: They were all wearing foundation.
A miserly bloke goes up to a prostitute one night and haggles for all he's worth to get whatever he can for a quid. Obviously, she's not too chuffed at the idea, but like all pros in the jokes...she's had a quiet night so she agrees to give him a hand job for two quid. The guy gives in and the go to a room nearby.
She just pops out for a second and comes back in to find him already jerking himself off. "What are you doing?" she asked, "I'm supposed to be doing that aren't I?"
To which the guy replies... "You're kidding me! For two whole pounds you'll not be getting the easy one!"
A woman goes to a club and she's on the pull at the time. she see's a panda sitting at the bar and thinks 'that's a bit different, i'll try him'. so she sidles up to the panda and asks it if it'd like to come back to her place. The panda aggrees and she offers him somthing to eat. So the panda say's 'ok, i'll have a burger and chips please' and she goes out and makes it for him. She asked the panda 'would you like a drink? and the panda says 'rum and coke please'.
When she came back from getting the drink, the panda had gone and there was come allover the carpet. So she looked up 'panda' in the encyclopaedia and the entry said 'eats shoots and leaves'.
what's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
the fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out
What's the difference between a homosexual and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your meat.
Whats the diffrence between a woman and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around.
why were women invented?
sheep can't cook.
why were men invented?
vibrators can't buy a round
what do you get if you put your hand down a gypsy's knickers?
you get your palm red.
what do you call a man with a 2 inch dick?
what do you called a man with a 1 inch dick?
what do you call a man with a half inch dick?
<enter bloke your talking to's name here>
what do you get if you put you're hand down a nun's knickers?
<slap the bloke you're talking to and say 'that'>
why is shit tapered?
so we don't applaud ourselves when we've finished
Two gays on a Motorbike front one : "where's yer helmet?"
back one : "yeah it does, doesn't it"
Two vicars in a Church Tower first one : "where's yer bell?"
second one: "yeah it does, doesn't it" (pumping harder)
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a slag?
A: A slag will sleep with anyone whereas a bitch will sleep with anyone except me.
I went to a zoo the other day, and I saw this warden throw a monkey some nuts. But to my horror, he placed one up his bum.....wiggled it a bit......and then pulled it out and put it in his mouth. I watched him do this a couple of times and I walked up to the warden and asked what he was doing. The warden replied:
"I'll tell you what he's doing. A couple of days ago, a woman threw a peach in for him, and he couldn't sh*t the stone, so now he tests each one before he eats them."
Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local vicar came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulphuric Acid" Father Beater said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous" Little Johhny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water" Father Beater said " No, because hly water is good...The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy." "That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulphuric Acid on my dogs Bo**ocks and he passed a ferrari"
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Cos they ain't got a pair of balls to scratch
Why do Italians have moustaches?
So they can look like their Mothers
Whats ten feet long and smells of piss?
a. old people doing the conga!
Define Jewish foreplay......
Two hours of begging.
what's yellow and feeds off dead beetles?
a man was driving along the road in germany when a car overtook him. he saw the driver and thought "wow! that looks like hitler, and the other guys look like goebels, hess and goerring!". so he follows the car, and when it pulls in to a garage, he follows them. he walks over to the car and says "'scuse me, but you look like hitler, and the others are familiar too". the driver of the car replied "yes, i'm hitler's grandson, and these are the grandsons of goebles, hess and goerring". the man says "wow! but, why the uniforms, lads?" to which the hitler grandson replied "we are starting the fourth reich!". "what will you do?" asked the man. "we are going to kill 80 million jews and 4 postmen". the man repled "4 postmen? why?", whereupon goebels leans over to hess and said " see? I told you they wouldn't give a fuck about the jews!"
what to Divine Brown and a student have in common?
they both blew their grant
when they tried to sell Fred West's house
it was advertised as 3up 25down
The police found two more bodies that fred must have killed in the sixties
They were found in drainpipes
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?
They left the plunger in the toilet
what did the leper say to the prostitute?
keep the tip.
Did you know Disney wanted to buy the rights to OJ story, they are going to call it "Lying Coon"
How do you blow a Thalidomide's head off
get him to light a firework and hold at arms length...
Why did the black kid cross the road?
To steal my hubcaps.
What did the blak kid across the road get for christmas?
A black and a mexican in a car, who is driving?
what do you call the useless fresh around a pussy?
how do you fix your dishwasher when it's stopped working?
kick her in the arse and tell her to get back to work
why could The Nativity have never taken place in mexico?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother."How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn’t it, " admitted Sister."While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.
"But I didn’t, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister."I was so proud of myself!
While I was pondering whethe r this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel’s paws!"
"So that’s when you cursed, " said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn’t it either, " cried the Sister, anguished, ". . . . as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green.
The ball popped out of the squirrel’s paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup! "
Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said. . ."You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?"
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, downs syndrome, quadriplegic baby get for christmas?
A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?' The vampire answered- 'i found a used tampon and i'm making tea'.