Scottish jokes

A Scot is the only man on earth who would step over the bodies of a dozen bronzed naked beauties just to get to a glass of whiskey.

A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,

"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."

"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?

Nae bother - just take up a collection.

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

What do you call a Scots woman with one leg?

Eileen.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."

The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."

The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

Jock decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!

How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?

Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager Ł50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his Ł50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.

This guy pays his Ł50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?

Summer!

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly. "At 4 o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."

Every Scotsman's fantasy is to have two women....one cleaning, the other dusting...

A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults."

"Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend.

The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..."

Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?

"Ah, Kyla, drinking makes you look so bonnie."

"But Donald, I dinna drink!"

"But I do!"

McManus donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.

At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Why do pipers march when they play ?

To get as far away from the noise as possible.

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Och! It's no that dark!

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'

(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand

on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first

three pennies?"

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said,  "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

When Jock  moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained  Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"

Jock  hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins...  Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.

"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:

"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"

"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled  Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

A  very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says

"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "Ł5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"

He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.

He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,

"Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.

When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.

"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and  he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"

Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

A  plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"

The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.

The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.

"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.

Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them......"

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing Ł10,000 and would give a reward of Ł100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give Ł150!"

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

"I'll give you an airplane ride for Ł5," said the pilot.

"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be Ł10."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"

"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."

"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.

"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."

"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.

"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."

Have you heard about the lecherous   Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?

He sold her four of them.

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter

A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a Ł5 note. Sentimental value.

Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while   walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Two Scottish characters, Hamish and Jimmy were sitting talking. Hamish pulled out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.

"That's a fine watch you got there!" says Jimmy.

"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says Hamish.

"Really?"

"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed".

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Scotsmen don't change light bulbs, it's cheaper to sit in the dark.

How did the little Scottie dog feel when he saw the Loch Ness monster?

Terrier-fied.

Hey, Noah, do you want a drink?

Noah don't.

What if you cross a legendary Scottish monster and a bad egg?

The Loch Ness pongster.

What is the name of a Scottish cloak room attendant?

Willie Angus McCoatup.

What is the name of the unhappy range of mountains in Scotland?

The Grumpians.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?

He couldn't do a fling with it.

A Scotsman wanted to impress his girlfriend so he took her for a ride in a taxi. The trouble was, she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.

Q. How did Grand Canyon formed?

A Scotsman dropped his penny into a small crack somewhere in Arizona.

Q. How did copper wire invented?

A. By two Scotsmen quarrelling for a penny.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger? Jagger sings: "Hey, you, get offa my cloud" Scotsman shouts: "Eh, McCloud, get off my ewe!"

"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."

A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony". The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here".

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said "How about a date later?" She said, "I'm married." "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, "You tell him yourself- he's shaving you".

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

ten of my favorite Scottish proverbs.

1)No matter how much you applaud a jukebox, you have put another quarter in for an encore.

2)A little bit of disagreement keeps the talk long.

Too much agreement kills a conversation.

3)He who marries a chicken soon gets henpecked.

4)Man proposes, God disposes.

5)Better be the lucky man than the lucky man's son.

6)Hang a thief when he's young, an he'll no steal when he's auld.

7)Him that's born to be hanged will never be drowned.

8)She spend's money like a woman with no hands!!! .

9)Like the wife's tongue, often better meant than timed.

10)Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

TEN SCOTTISH JOKES

and ten of my favorite Scottish jokes.

1)Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."

Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."

2)Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.

3)Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "

4)Tony Blair visits the hospital

Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

5)Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

6)Filming in Scotland can be a difficult task given the ever-changing patterns of weather - as the old saying goes - want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!

A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by

"Tommorow rain." he informed them and hobbled on

Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past.

"Tomorrow sunshine." he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day,

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be.

But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy

"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up."

"Radio broken." the old man replied.

7)Big Shuggie is on holiday and is stuck at the airport, and proceeds to get very drunk.

After about his tenth big swig at his bottle a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor.

Big Shuggie is furious, he grabs the wee fellah demanding recompense and drags him out of the building.

Next thing he returns with bruises all over his face.

Behind him is the Japanese man who is smiling.

"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers, who were astonished, "We call it aikido."

But despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to 'go ootside'

They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him

"It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd, "We call it karate."

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and 'batter him wan'

Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside.

A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hear a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion,

"It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them, "The bumper aff a Toyota!"

8)A teacher is asking the children in class about their ambitions in life and to tell the class in a rhyme..The class favourite puts up his hand, Miss,

"My name is Dan,and when I'm a man,I would like to go to China and Japan".. "Very good Dan" comments the teacher. "Miss" cries out the class beauty,"My name is Mary Grady,When I become a lady,I would like to have a baby,Maybe".. Very good Mary..anyone else? The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up "Haw Miss,My name is also Dan, bugger China and Japan,If Mary Grady wants a baby......Dan's yir bliddy man!!!

9)Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad!

"So how can I help?" asks the therapist

"It's like this, Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no-one's there, immediately, my brain tells me there's somebody on top of it and this goes on all night - under - top - under - top. It's driving me mental!"

The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this."

"Oh great!" says Wee Shuggie

"Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time." says the therapist making some notes

"And how much will that be?" asks wee Shuggie

"£60 per session" the therapist informs him

Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money and goes for a consoling drink at his local.

The therapist never sees wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. He is surprised to see him look so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he had last seen

"Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug

"At £60 a pop, twice a week for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!"

"How on earth did he do that?"

"He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"

10)A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!

Hint: this is difficult; even if you were born and brought up in Scotland you may not get them all! If you get more than eight you become an honorary Scotsman(woman)!

1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken

'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'

'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

'Comfy?'asks the dentist.

'Govan,' she replies.

3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?

Oor Wullie.

4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'

'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.

'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He's awa' noo.

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.

'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight.

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.

Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.

9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.

So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:

'Is there money in the box?'

'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:

'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'

And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?

Hawkeye The Noo.

12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

A skean dhu.

13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?

A wee fly b*****d.

17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?

It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?

The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

19. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?

Because the chef was Low Ping.

20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'

'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.

'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'

'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -

'Aye right.'

22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street.

When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!

'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.

'Piston broke,' he replies.

'Aye, same as masel...

Q. Who invented the copper wire?

A. Two Scots fighting over a penny.

Q. Why are so many Scottish churches circular?

A. So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Q: How did the Grand Canyon in Arizona come about?

A: A Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny down a gopher hole.

The Red Cross

A farmer and his family were trapped in their house in winter during the height of a severe blizzard.

The Red Cross arrived by helicopter to save them and landed on the roof.

One of the rescuers shouted down the chimney, "It's the Red Cross!"

There was a pause for a few seconds before the reply "I bought one last year!".

Happy Hour

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.

"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked.

To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour". .

GLASGOW FAQ

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?

A. The accused.

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?

A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q. Why do pipers march when they play?

A. Because a moving target is harder to hit.

Glaswegians consider Edinburgh to be in the east - the Far East.

Edinburghers consider Glasgow to be in the west - the Wild West.

URGENT - GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

At 00.54 on Monday 23rd September 2002 a major earthquake hit measuring 4.8 on the richter scale epicentered on Glasgow.

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz sh*ttin' masel", "Ah need some jellies".

The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:

* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.

* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged.

* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

* The cone fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery.

* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Glasgow.

* One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

* Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.

* The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.

* Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:

- Sovvy rings

- Baseball caps

- Shell suits

- Tesco two stripe trainers

- White socks

- Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

- Faggots and Buckfast

- Grey Peas and Buckfast

- Pork Scratchings and Buckfast

- Tripe and Onions and Buckfast

- "Pigs Blood Pud" and Buckfast

- Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast

* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four.

* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.

* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

Please send your credit card number.

IF 'STAR WARS' WERE SET IN GLASGOW ....

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby. Darth Vader Would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress "That Dome-Heided B*****d".

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or p*** on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a train or set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie".

The Milennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windows and extra flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record "I Love Scotland" sticker and a Saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your a*** every two steps, and you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack.

Two easy ways would be:

- Alter it's orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks.

- Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

- What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

- Bing sings - and Walt disnae

~~~

Did you hear about the Scottish trumpeter who found a weed in his garden?

He had to root it oot.

~~~

- How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

- Och! It's no that dark!

~~~

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt? He couldn't do a fling with it.

~~~

A woman goes into a bakers. She says to the assistant: 'Is that a donut, or a meringue?' The assistant says: 'No, you're right - it's a donut.'

(Did I mention you have to say some of these in a faux Scottish accent? I'm sure I did.)

~~~

- How do you tell what clan a Scotsman's from?

- Stick your hand up his kilt and if it's a quarter pounder, he's a MacDonald

As you will have noticed, I've avoided jokes which imply the Scots are mean. You should be careful about stereotyping. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"

"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.

"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"

"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.

"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"

"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

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Ronaldo, Luis Figo and James McFadden are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis, what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Faddy "and you, James, what do you believe?"

"I believe" says Faddy "you're sitting in my seat."

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England , says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland , says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Scotsman got the job.

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A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

************************************************************

Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scottish man shouts

" Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn "

(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back

"I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scottish man shouts back

"Use both hands, you'll get more in."

************************************************************

Our thanks to Chris for these next two.

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

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Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

************************************************************

BEER

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to bealert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes inbottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by femalesexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to gohome and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, menwill often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life'ssavings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,

the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim tothis "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support

groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter withsimilarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up

"Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here: Beer Demo

************************************************************

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

************************************************************

Wee Hamish attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rumps, and chests. After a few minutes, wee Hamish asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to be certain they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Looking worried, Hamish said, "Dad, I think the Parcel Force guy wants to buy Mom."

************************************************************

Wee Hamish' kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most-wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want very badly to capture him."

Wee Hamish asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

************************************************************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make certain they understood the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said , "He's in heaven."

Mary was called upon and answered, "He's in my heart."

Wee Hamish, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked wee Hamish how he knew this.

Wee Hamish said, "Well, every morning, Daddy gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ! are you still in there?"

************************************************************

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, wee Hamish stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Hamish?"

"No, Ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

************************************************************

Wee Hamish watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful." said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked wee Hamish. "Giving up?"

************************************************************

The math teacher noticed wee Hamish wasn't paying attention in class. She called upon him and asked, " Hamish! What are 9 and 6 and 5 and 38?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "FOX, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network."

************************************************************

************************************************************

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

************************************************************

Our thanks to Chris for this one

Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much for a tooth extraction.

Eighty-five pounds, sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och, have ye nay got anything cheaper," replies the Scot.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction," said the dentist.

"Er, what aboot if ye nay use any anesthetic," asks the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for 70 pounds."

The Scotsman scratches his chin a while.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one o' yer dentist trainees and still without anesthetic ?"

The dentist replied, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it will certainly be a lot more painful. However, in that case I could bring the price down to 40 pounds."

"Och, tha's still a tad too much for me purse. I'll tell yer what, man. How aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction without anesthetic and the other students standin' aroond watchin' and learnin', " said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Errr, well, OK," said the dentist. " It'll be good for the students I suppose. Under those circumstances, I think I could bring the price down to just ten pounds."

"Now yer talkin' laddie. It's a deal","said the Scot. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday...?"

************************************************************

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Auld Jock had been a religious man all his life. When rushed into hospital his family called a preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Jock's condition appeared to worsen and he motioned frantically for something to write on. He was lovingly handed a pen and paper and Jock used his last gasp of energy to scribble a note which he handed to the preacher and then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at the time and placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy he realised that he was wearing the same jacket as he had at the hospital.

He said "You know, Auld Jock handed me a wee note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Auld Jock I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all"

He opened the note and read out loud "Hi minister. Yer staundin oan ma oxygen"

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MacTavish was out working the field when a barnstormer landed. "I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot. "Sorry, cannae afford it," replied MacTavish.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10." So up they went and the

pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare MacTavish. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said,

"Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!" "Aye," said MacTavish, "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

************************************************************

A Scotsman was invited to attend a celebration. As the distance to his home was not far, he had walked through the wooded acres separating his property from that where the celebration was taking place.

The event had started early in the day and proceeded long into the night. As was his habit, the Scotsman had joined in every toast offered.

On the walk home in the early hours before dawn, he decided to sit a spell, leaning against a tree. As one might expect, sleep soon overtook him.

There were some wood-nymphs in this area of the woods. Two of the wood-nymphs were out and about where the Scotsman decided to rest.

The wood-nymphs had wondered about the statement that a 'true Scotsman' wears nothing under his kilt. They decided that they would find out!

Gently lifting the edge of the Scotsman's kilt, they discovered that the tale was true! A Scotsman wears nothing under his kilt.

The wood-nymphs felt bad about invading the Scotsman's privacy and decided to leave him a sign that they had been there. One took a blue satin ribbon from her hair and tied it around the Scotsman's 'family jewels'.

At sunrise, when the Scotsman awoke, he felt the typical urge to relieve himself. As he lifted his kilt, he noticed the blue ribbon. Looking down in amazement, he said aloud, "I don't recall what we did last night, laddie, but we won first place!!"

************************************************************

Teacher: “Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we’re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.”

Wee Jocky (a typical Glasgow nyaff) thinks, “Ya dancer! Ah’m puredead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come oan the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.”

Teacher: “Right class, who can tell me who said, ‘Don’t ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. “Yes Jeremy?”

Jeremy (in a very English accent): “Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy, inauguration speech 1960.”

Teacher: “Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.”

The next Thursday comes round and wee Jocky is even more determined.

Tacher: “Who said, ‘We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender’?”

Wee Jocky’s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting “I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.”

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: “Yes Timothy?”

Timothy (in a very, very posh English accent): “Yes Miss. The answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.”

Teacher: “Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.”

The following Thursday comes round and wee Jocky is hyper. He’s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he’s ready for anything that comes. He’s coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: “Who said ‘ One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?”

Wee Jocky’s arm shoots straight in the air, he’s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming, “Me Miss. Me Miss. I know. I know. Me Miss. Me Miss. Meeeee.”

Teacher looking round picks Rupert, sitting at the front. “Yes Rupert?”

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): “Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.”

Teacher: “Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.”

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk over and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, “Where the f**k did all these English b*st*rds come from?”

Teacher looking round the class: “Who said that?”

Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door,

“Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday!”

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Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down Sauchiehall Street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye - "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"See me, ah'm Scotland's world expert oan European wasps an' the sounds that they make. I'd very much like tae listen tae the new LP you huvv advertised in the windae."

"Aye, nae borra" says the young man behind the counter. "Get yersel intae the booth and put oan the headphones, I'll put the LP oan furr ye."

Scotland's world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "Ah might be Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, but ah didnae recognise wan of thae wasp sounds."

"Affy sorry sir" says the young assistant. "If ye want take pap yerr erse back intae the booth, I can let you huvv another 10 minutes."

Scotland's world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"Naw, ah dinnae get it," he says, "I am Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, an' yet I still cannae recognise wan of those!"

"**** me sir" says the young man, "If ye want, I could gie ye 5 mair minutes furra right good listen."

Sighing, the Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make an' I didnae recognise a single wan of thae wasps on that LP."

"Och **** sir, ah'm really, affy, terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've jist realised I was playing you the Bee side."

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The minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse of drink, who insisted on talking.

‘Please don’t speak to me,’ said the minister. ‘You’re drunk.’

‘Drunk?’ replied the Scot. ‘You’re worse than me — you’ve got your collar on back to front.'

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It was like this,’ said Donald. ‘I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.’

‘What did you tell her?’

‘Try and hit something cheap!’

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Jock wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jock sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jock looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jock asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed...........

A Scottish farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, despite the best efforts of his ram, and so he phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, being a couple of tassels short of a sporran, doesn't have a clue what artificial insemination is but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet explains that when they are pregnant they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down and wallow in grass.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out to the woods, sleeps with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing about, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, makes love with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. "Try again", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive out to the woods. He spends all day making love to the sheep, and upon returning home, falls straight into bed.

The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window, he's so tired. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No", she says, "They're all in the Land Rover - and one of them is beeping the horn."

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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around

the world so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,

thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA

from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he

noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read

"$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by

what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that

for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw

the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if

this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun

what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for

$10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND

to see if SCOTS had the same phone.

He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered,

there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 pence per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same

golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line

to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so

cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son -

it's a local call".

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A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

"Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager.

"The famous Barras mate?", nodded the young man.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.

The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.

"So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy.

"just the wan"

The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for?

"£101,237.64" said the lad.

The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and

then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gaun'

fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat.

We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a 4x4 Suzuki......."

The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a

four-by-four ... "

"Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's humped, ye might as well go fishing..."'

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given

their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told

his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed

done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes

were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

Wullie had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her

that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn

mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

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A Scotsman walks into a London pub and asks in his proud Scots brogue for a whisky. On hearing this request 3 resident English fvdds set about noising up their visitor from the North. All three agree that the Jocks always took the bait and were easy prey.

The first English knob sits beside the Scotsman and announces for all the pub to hear that "See your St. Andrew - He was a poofter by the way!"

On hearing this the Scotsman coolly replies "Is that so - I didn't know that".

Determined, the second Morris dancer, decides to try his luck. "See your St. Andrew, he svcks men off for money!"

Again the Scotsman coolly states that "He didn't realise that this was the case"

The 3rd shandy drinker says to his friends that they have approached it all wrong and that he would definitely get the desired reaction from the Scotsman.

He saddles up and states "See your St. Andrew - He was an Englishman by the way"

To which the Scotsman replies "Aye...............so yer mates were tellin me!"

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List of Short Scottish Jokes

How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate?

10,000, 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth.

Caller to BT Directory Enquiries: "I want a knitwear company in Woven"

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?

Caller: "Yes, That's what it says on the label. Woven in Scotland."

Little boy called Jamie asked father, called Wallace, "what will my name be when I grow up?"

Father said "Jamie of course". Little Jamie said "do you mean to say I will have a little boy's name when I'm a grown up man?"

rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

Lady, at pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement. An American visitor asked what was the purpose of the audible sound. On being told it was for blind people said, 'Oh, we don't let them drive in America' !!

The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."

"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."

McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"

McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".

You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?

After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.

" Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.

" I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.

" Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."

" Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

Scotsmen hate to see waste, no matter where it is. So when Jock saw the Niagara Falls for the first time he said it was a waste of water - and a plumber in Dundee could fix them in half an hour.

A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"

Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."

When a bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got six journeys instead of four for a pound, one elderly gentleman, renowned for his frugality, even in a community where frugal folk are common, was still unhappy.

" It's all dam' foolishness," he declared. "Now we've got to walk to town six times instead of four times to save a pound!"

Did you hear about the Scotsman who got caught making nuisance telephone calls? He kept reversing the charges.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.

McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.

McTavish took his girlfriend out for the evening. They returned to her flat just before midnight and as she kissed him goodnight she said: "Be careful on your way home. I'd hate anyone to rob you of all the money you've saved this evening."

By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, he passed it on saying "Season ticket."

"Sandy suggested a candlelit dinner last night" Jessie reported to her friend the next day. "That was dead romantic" said her friend. "Not really. It just saved him having to fix the fuse."

Jock asked the bus conductor how much it would cost to travel into town. "80 pence" said the conductor. Jock thought this was a bit steep so he decided to run after the bus for a few stops. "How much now?" he asked. "Still 80 pence". Jock ran after the bus for another three stops and, panting, he asked "How much now?" The conductor replied "90 pence. You're running in the wrong direction!"

MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"

It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.

There was understandable scepticism when it was suggested that Napoleon Bonaparte was the grandson of a Scot from Balloch. But now it has been pointed out that there is further proof that Napoleon was indeed Scots - his hand was always under his lapel, to make sure no-one had lifted his wallet...

An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.

" Man," scoffed the Scot,

" hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

In the "old days" Clan MacKay went raiding one time and came back with, among other things, dozens of bottles of whiskey and one loaf of bread. When the chief saw the booty, he asked, "Wha's gaen ta eat a' that bread?"

Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions."

Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely."

An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.

Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."

Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper.

Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."

A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."

A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing. "That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."

Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.

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