prison jokes

Funny jokes about prison

Judge: "How could you swindle people who trusted in you?"

Prisoner: "But, Judge, people who don't trust you can not be swindled."


Three prisoners are being executed via firing squad. The police are about to execute the first one when he yells EARTHQUAKE!

The police go running and the prisoner escapes before the police realize there's no earthquake. Right before they execute the second one, he yells TORNADO!

Of course, there is no tornado, but the prisoner escapes before the police reralize that. It was turn for the third to be executed. The police go "Readyyy... Aim...". Then, Frank yells "FIRE!"


The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful. "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "FrenchToast..."


One fellow sent to prison wasn't worried at all about serving his full term. When asked why, he said his wife had never let him finish a sentence the whole time they've been married.


A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it."


A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He

breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple

in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably

spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he

nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any

Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."


An Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman all get solitary confinement for 5 years. Before they get locked up they are granted a final request. The Englishman gets a PC with internet connection put in his cell, the Scotsman gets a woman in his cell and the Irishman asks for 10,000 cigarettes.

After 5 years the prison doors are unlocked and out comes the Englishman happy because he has set a profitable web company and is now a millionaire, Out comes the Scotsman happy with his woman and a family of young children. The Irishman comes out pale and distraught and asks does anyone have a light!



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