1.Two boys were arguing when their teacher entered
The teacher said, "Why are you arguing?"
One of the boys answered:
"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it
to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves,"
said the teacher,
"When I was your age I didn't even know
what a lie was."
The boys quickly gave the ten dollars to the teacher!
2. A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts,
"What makes them so special?"
"There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, silver and bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"
3. A soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies
were keeping him awake with argument about a window.
One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor.
"Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!"
"And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate."
The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the soldier for help.
"What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?"
"In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack.
Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it
and suffocate the other."
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b*tch.'
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's f***ing hilarious....
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'F*** off, you won't bring it back.'
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
His dude replies 'You're so f***ing lucky... Mine is still alive...'
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"
Tina and Gabe Watson scuba diving death jokes.
Gabe Watson is on trial for murder of his wife Tina Watson for a life insurance policy in Alabama after her death during a scuba diving accident in Australia.
What did the dive boat Captain Tina died on say to the next group of divers?
“Hey, you’re the first guest since…’the accident’.”
What did the Captain of the dive boat Spoilsport say about taking divers out to the site of the SS Yongala, a passenger ship that sank in 1911?
“Sorry, we can’t take reservations until last week’s group is found.”
What are the names of the dive boats Tina and Gabe Watson dove from?
The Spoilsport I and the Spoilsport III. The Spoilsport II is our first dive for the day, located in 130 feet, five miles out.”
What did the Captain and Dive Master onboard the Spolisport say about the strong currents that day?
“Don’t worry about the currents, if we don’t find you I’m sure Search and Rescue will.”
What did Gabe Watson’s new wive say about planning their honeymoon?
“Hey honey lets go to the mountains, the ocean is so last year.”
What did the Captain of the Spoilsport and the Dive Master tell Tina Watson about the metric system gauges when she was diving in Australia?
I know you don’t understand metric gauges, “YOU’LL KNOW WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF AIR!!”
What did Gabe Watson tell Tina Watson right before they jumped into the ocean?
“Honey be sure to smile for the souvenier picture”