Human Resources (HR) jokes

Funny jokes about Human Resources (HR)

Q. If you had a gun with 2 silver bullets, a vampire, a werewolf and an HR manager, who would you shoot?

A. The HR manager twice; just to be sure.

 

NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR = HIGH RISK

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young marketing executive, 'what starting salary were you looking for?'

The candidate said, 'Somewhere around 100,000 pounds a year, depending on the benefits package.'

The HR Person said, 'Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks holiday, bank holidays, full medical and dental, full pension, and a company car replaced every 2 years with all the tax paid. The Engineer sat up straight and said, 'Wow!!! Are you kidding?'

The HR Person said, B****y right I am, but you started it.'

 

A HR Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her young daughter are travelling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed. The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. The Old woman is thinking: These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. The Young girl is thinking: The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped. The Manager is thinking: Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me. Now guess what the Assistant is thinking. Now hold your breath and read what the Assistant is thinking........... If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again.

 

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

 

Q How many HR directors does it take to change a light bulb?

A None, but they'd all like to be involved.

 

If I run a 4 K 100 times in a year, will I qualify for a 401 K?

A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new head of human resources. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the HR supremo noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $500 a week. Why?”

The Human Resources boss said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $2,000 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

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