eye jokes

Funny jokes about the eye

 

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

 

Sol had lived a long life, which was drawing to its end. As his family surrounded him on his deathbed, he asked to see his optometrist.

"Optometrist?" they asked. "Why in the world do you want to see your optometrist?"

"Just get him for me."

So they go get Dr. Kaplan, who, on seeing Sol about to depart this life, asked, "Sol, it pains me to see you like this. What can I possibly do for you?"

Sol opened his eyes slightly and said, "Doc, before I go, there's one thing I have to know. Which one was clearer - A or B?"

 

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Optician: Didn't the new glasses help?

Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer

 

Eye love you too.

 

Where do you send a depressed eye?

-to the low vision centre

 

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?

-Shine a light in her ear.

 

A blind man and his seeing eye dog are in the supermarket doing some shopping. Suddenly in the middle of an aisle, the man picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around. A startled shop assistant rushes over and says to the man "What's the matter?" she yells, "Can I help you?" The blind man continues swinging the dog and casually replies, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

 

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air." Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed." You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye.

 

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.

"What happened, my child?"

"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."

"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"

"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."

 

Q: What do you call a man with 1 black eye?

A: A fast learner.

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