Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his MacBook Pro all day.
I was using my Grandmothers iMac today, when I suddenly found loads of porn.
To be honest I thought I'd deleted it.
I've just installed a Princess Diana screensaver, now my iMac keeps crashing....
My old Apple G3 Tower has become so slow.
This morning I logged into "Just 18" porno website.
By the time the first page had loaded, all the girls looked like they were in their mid 40s.
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you? Second apple: Worms, I think.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, "Watch out for worms won't you!" The first one replied, "Why should I? They can watch out for themselves."
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "That's what they say," said his Dad. "Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"
School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason. "What kind of pie do you call this ?" asked one schoolboy indignantly. "What's it taste of ?" asked the cook. "Glue!" "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden
How does an apple a day keep the doctor away? When you take careful aim.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy? None - because they were all redskins.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Two girls were having their packed lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, 'Watch out for worms won't you !' The first one replied, 'why should I ? They can watch out for themselves.
A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?" "All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher. "Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers. Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?" Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 apples."
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple.
What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing ? Because they're crab apples !
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Why did Eve want to move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands? He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'
What's the difference between a worm and an apple ? Have you ever tried worm pie ?!
What reads and lives in an apple ? A bookworm !
If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs? None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.