Actor jokes

actor jokes

Actor jokes

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!
A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'
A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on what it says in the script

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Doesn't the stage manager do that?

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's the light bulb's motivation?


Q: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?
A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.

Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An actor trying to change a light bulb.

Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre?
A: An actor with a power tool.

Q: What do directors do with dead actors?
A: Make them chorus members.

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to act but doesn't.

Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?
A: "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm better than you."

Q: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Only three, if you slice them very thin.

Q: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
A: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.

Q: What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: You're driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why?
A: Your director--business before pleasure.

Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of actors?
A: When the engine stops, the whining continues.

Q: What do you call 20 actors at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call an actor with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.

Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows?

Because at last he was in the noose.




Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own?

Actor: Whose do you think they are?



Fred: I'd love to be an actress.

Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for?

Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.



Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years.

Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.



An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, 'You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative.'


So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent's desk.


'So you do bird impressions,' said the agent, 'what else can you do?'



What's the definition of a good actor?

Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.




"Jason," said the minister, "you've written here that Samson was an actor. What makes you think that?"

"Well, sir," said Jason, "I read that he brought the house down."




Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV?

Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?

Neighbour: Off.



A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.


'What's the matter?' asked the director.


'I can't jump from that board!' said the actor. 'Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool?'


'Yes,' said the director. 'We don't want you to drown, you know.'



Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?

Because it's all play.



Who stars in cowboy films and is always broke?

Skint Eastwood.



Why do actors like snooker halls?

Because that's where they get their best cues.



Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day.

Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?

Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.



Fred: Who was the most popular actor in the Bible?

Harry: Samson. Why?

Fred: Because he brought the house down.



Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?

Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.

"How can a president not be an actor?" -when asked "How could an actor become president?' "What does an actor know about politics?" –criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy "I don't know. I've never played a governor." –asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be "What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel "Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing." 
Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."


      Farmer: "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."






      Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.


      Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.

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