One liner jokes

One liner jokes

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes

 

Why is air a lot like sex?

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

 

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."

A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

 

What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?

Male fraud

 

What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?

Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

 

Light travels faster than sound

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

 

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean

 

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?

Vagitarian

 

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?

Klondike

 

What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?

A headless whoresman

 

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

 

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned

 

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?

It comes with all of Ken's stuff

 

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"

"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

 

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"

"What's come over you?"

 

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"

"Pull yourself together!"

 

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?

He had low elf esteem

 

What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?

Someone who likes sheep and goats

 

How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

 

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?

Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

 

Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?

Everyone has the same DNA

 

Confucius Says...

 

"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"

"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"

"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"

"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"

"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"

"Man who stand in front of car get tired."

"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."

"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"

"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"

"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"

"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"

"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"

"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"

"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"

"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"

"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"

 

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One... men will screw anything

 

How are men and parking spots alike?

The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

 

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?

He knows where all the bad girls live

 

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?

"This place rocks!"

 

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?

They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly

 

What's the difference between Elvis and JFK Jr.?

Elvis was bloated BEFORE he died

 

Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before the plane flight?

He figured he would wash up on shore

 

Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr. to show up?

He was a complete wreck

 

What do JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

Both go down easily

 

What's the new Kennedy documentary called?

Three Funerals and A Wedding

 

Kyle & Stan of South Park:

"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNEDY! YOU BASTARD!"

 

What did JFK Jr. say when he reached the pearly gates?

I hope I don't have to take an entrance exam

 

What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?

"Hole is gonna be really big!"

 

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids

 

What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand

 

Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?

They need a map

 

Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the coin toss?

He elected to receive

 

What is Iraq's national bird?

Duck

 

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

Both look out their windows and see rubble

 

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their Air Force

 

Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

You only have to teach them to take off

 

What is the best Iraqi job?

Foreign Ambassador

 

What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?

A microwave stops when you open the door

 

What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?

Build a house next to them

 

What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?

Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home

 

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run

 

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

Because of his coffin

 

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?

Spelling

 

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts

 

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend

 

What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?

Pump kin

 

Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls?

The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice

 

Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail?

She's going to become a Shaker

 

What's the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?

No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer

 

What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods has a reliable driver

 

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?

Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford

 

What were Princess Di's last words?

"Is that all this cars got?"

 

What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?

They both had a hit with the wall

 

Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?

Because he's the only queen who gives a ----

 

What would you call Di if she married Fayed?

Princess Di-ed

 

Why doesn't Di like the French Press?

They drive her up the wall

 

When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

$3.99 a minute

 

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."

His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

 

When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?

The day his hand caught on fire

 

What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?

Homeless

 

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes

 

How are women and rocks alike?

You skip the flat ones

 

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

 

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get the remote

 

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?

Men always miss them

 

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

It changes your blood type

 

What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?

Militia Etheridge

 

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?

A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

 

Why are hurricanes named after women?

They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave

 

What's the difference between John Denver and the stock market?

People would cry if the stock market crashed

 

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?

No phone numbers

 

Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.

Bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."

 

What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?

"Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!

 

What did the man with five penises say?

"These pants fit like a glove"

 

What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"

Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube

 

What's brown and hides in the attic?

The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank

 

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did -- in his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car

 

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard

 

How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

He's the one with sesame seed buns

 

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year

 

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.

The thief was spending less than his wife did

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?

He studied all year for the bra exam

 

What about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse

 

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?

One was a salted

 

What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?

Bozo the clone

 

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny

 

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?

He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before

 

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The captain's log

 

Couple's in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight." She says, "You're licking the rug."

 

What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?

One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries

 

What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring

 

How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?

Yell "Bingo!"

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

 

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

 

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

 

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

 

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

 

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

 

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

 

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

 

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

 

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

 

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

 

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

 

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

 

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

 

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

 

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

 

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

 

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

 

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

 

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

 

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

 

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

 

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

 

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

 

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

 

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

 

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

 

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

 

What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.

 

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

 

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

 

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

 

He who hesitates is boss.

 

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

 

 

 

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

 

 

 

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1

... No Strings attached

...but for a limited period ONLY!

...A bloody good deal!

 

 

 

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry

370HSSV 0773H

 

 

 

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

 

 

 

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

 

 

 

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

 

 

 

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -

Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

 

 

 

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

 

 

 

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

 

 

 

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

 

 

 

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

 

 

 

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

 

A: There is a stamp on it.

 

 

 

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

 

 

 

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

 

 

 

I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

 

 

 

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

 

 

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

 

 

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

 

 

 

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

 

 

 

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

 

 

 

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

 

 

 

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

 

 

 

I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

 

 

 

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

 

 

 

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

 

 

 

Nope.....u still ugly!

 

 

 

Text Message Jokes

 

Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

 

 

 

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

 

 

 

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

 

 

 

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

 

 

 

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

 

 

 

How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her

How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

 

 

 

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

 

 

 

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

 

 

 

Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

 

 

 

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

 

 

 

Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

 

 

 

Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"

Boss asks: "How sick are u?"

Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

 

 

 

Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

 

 

 

Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

 

 

 

I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

 

 

 

Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

 

 

 

When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....

 

 

 

U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

 

 

 

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

 

 

 

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

 

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

 

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

 

If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.

 

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

 

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

 

Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

 

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

 

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

 

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

 

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

 

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

 

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

 

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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