Obama jokes

funny Obama
Obama jokes
Q. Why does Obama keep jacking up the cost of gasoline?
A. So that voters can't afford to drive to the polls in November.
 
Obama is demanding that Congress give him another trillion dollar spending bill. Most of it is just for gas money.
 
Q, Why are jobs at all time lows and gas at all time highs?
A. Obama's back from vacation.
 
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Q. What does Barack Obama call Richard Nixon?
A. An amateur.
Tip o'the hat to Idaho
 
Q. Who are America's two most infamous golfers?
A. Tiger Woods and Lion Obama.
 
 
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“The liberals are asking us to give Obama more time. And I think 25-to-life would be a good start.” --William Batchelder, Ohio State House speaker
 
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Modern American Currency
 
One dollar bill: George Washington
Five dollar bill: Abraham Lincoln
Ten dollar bill: Alexander Hamilton
Twenty dollar bill: Andrew Jackson
Fifty dollar bill: Ulysses S. Grant
One hundred dollar bill: Benjamin Franklin
Food Stamps: Barack Obama
 
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Obama has finally balanced the budget. The national debt is now the same size as the economy.
 
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Q. How can you tell if Obama is lying?
A. His teleprompter is glowing.
 
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After all is said and done, Obama has said more than he's done.
 
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Under Ronald Reagan, a fine was a tax for doing wrong.
Under Barack Obama, a tax is a fine for doing well.
Tip o'the hat to Billig
 
"A single lay off is a tragedy. A million lay offs is a statistic."  -- The Collected Sayings of Comrade Obama
Tip o'the hat to Billig
 
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Barack Obama walks into a bar with a duck. The bartender asks, “Where did you get the jackass?” Barack looks puzzled and replies, “It’s a duck.” The bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”
 
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America once had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope. Now we have Barack Obama, no cash, no jobs and no hope.
Tip o'the hat to Joachim
 
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Q. Why is Obama more popular in China than in America?
A. He created jobs over there.
Tip o'the hat to Jay
 
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Doctor Seuss for 2011:  "I do not like Barack Obam, I do not like his health care scam. I do not like that sneaky crook, or how he lies and cooks the books. I do not like it when he steals, I do not like his secret deals. I do not like that metro man, I do not like his 'YES WE CAN.' I do not like his spending spree, does he not know that nothing's free? I do not like his smug replies,  I do not like his constant lies. I do not like his kind of hope. I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope."
Tip o'the hat to Morris
 
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President Obama has closed the Washington Monument in the aftermath of the Virginia earthquake. Barack's friend Bill Ayers will be hired for the demolition work.
 
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Barack and Michelle were on a plane together, going on another vacation. Barack says to Michelle, "I could throw a 1,000 bill off this plane right now and make someone very happy." Michelle replies, "You could do that but I could throw 10, 100 dollar bills off this plane and make ten people happy. The pilot of the plane says to himself, I could throw both of you off the plane right now and make everyone in the U.S. happy!

 

“Of course we’re down to the final months of the Presidents term, as presidents—as President Obama surveys the Waldorf banquet room with everyone in white tie and finery you have to wonder what he’s thinking “So little time, so much to redistribute.” And don’t be surprised if the President mentions this evening the monthly jobs report where there was a slight improvement in the numbers. He knows how to seize the moment, this President, and already has a compelling new campaign slogan “You’re better off now than you were four weeks ago.”

 

"Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare."

 

"In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, 'Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch."

 

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"  McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."  So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."  Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"  Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."

 

Bill Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack Obama go into a bar. Bill tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a B and C." Obama whispers, "What is a B and C?" "That's a bourbon and Coke," Clinton answers. Then Biden orders, "I'll have a G and T." Obama again whispers, "What's a G and T?" "A gin and tonic," Joe replies. Obama wants to seem like he's one of the guys so he tells the barkeeper, "I'll have a 15." Now it's the bartender's turn to ask, "What's a 15?" Obama says, "A 7 and 7."

 

"You have reached the office of the President of the United States. President Obama is either away from his desk or not in the Oval Office at this time. At the tone, please leave your name, your telephone number, the size of the bailout or earmark that you are seeking and the aggregate dollar amount of your campaign donations to date."  Beep!

 

Doctor Seuss on Barack Obama:

"I do not like Barack Obam, I do not like his health care scam. I do not like that sneaky crook, or how he lies and cooks the books. I do not like it when he steals, I do not like his secret deals. I do not like that metro man, I do not like his 'YES WE CAN.' I do not like his spending spree, does he not know that nothing's free? I do not like his smug replies, I do not like his constant lies. I do not like his kind of hope. I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope."

 

"Donald Trump said he'd give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up You’re a..."

 

 
Q. What does Barack Obama intend to do about the Washington, D.C. earthquake?
A. Blame it on George Bush.
 
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BHO'S TSA
 
Q. Why isn't TSA catching any terrorists?
A. They don't screen passengers on Air Force One.
 
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Obama claims that he has a balanced budget plan. It's exactly one half smoke and one half mirrors.
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Good News, Bad News
 
The good news is that Obama has finally begun drilling for oil. The bad news is that he's only drilling in our strategic oil reserve.
 
The good news is that Obama has finally created some jobs. The bad news is that they're all in India.
 
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If you voted for Obama in 2008, it proved you are not a racist. If you vote for Obama again in 2012, it will prove that you are one.
 
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A major freeway in California is named after the great Ronald Reagan. After he leaves office, Chicago should name a dead end after Barack Obama.
 
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Q. What's the difference between Obama opponents and Obama supporters?
A. The first group works for a living while the second group votes for a living.
 
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It was recently revealed that President Obama’s autobiography was actually written by the SDS terrorist Bill Ayers. Worse yet, Ayers copied most of it from Jimmy Carter's autobiography.
 
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President Obama was interviewing for new accountants to handle the books for his Obamacare scheme. Barack asked the first applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" The accountant was escorted out of the White House after answering, "Two." Barack then asked the next applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" That one answered, "What do you want it to equal?" Obama promptly replied, "You've got the job."
 
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The Obama administration has decided to get rid of the old USDA food pyramid. It's being replaced with a food minaret.
 
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Q. Why did Obama wait so long to release his birth certificate?
A. He didn't have a registered copy of PhotoShop.
 
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Barack Obama has reportedly started holding a weekly séance in the Oval Office.
So far, he has only managed to channel Jimmy Carter.
 
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Q. Why does Obama always oppose Israel?
A. Because he's an alumnus of the other team.
 
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Barack O'Bama is now claiming that Ireland is his ancestral home. Kenya believe anything that guy says?
 
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Q. Why can't the National Weather Service name a hurricane after Obama?
A. The Centers for Disease Control gets to use his name first.
 
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The Equus Asinus Obama Joke
 
Q: What would you get if you crossed a Jackass with Barack Obama?
A: Barack Obama.
 
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President Barack Hussein Obama has finally released his actual birth certificate, proving that he really was born in Hawaii, our 57th state.
 
 
 
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It was recently reported in the news that the President had been accidentally locked out of the White House. For that one panicked moment Obama thought that they must have found his real birth certificate.
 
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Obama was leaving the country club golf course when he was accosted by an armed robber who demanded, "Give me all of your money!"  Barack haughtily replied, "Do you know who I am. I'm the President of the United States!" The robber snarled back, "Then give me all MY money."
 
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Q. What Bruce Springsteen song always makes Obama grin?
A. “Born in the U.S.A.”
 
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For the funny side of ObamaCare, click here. You'll laugh yourself sick.
 
 
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President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn't get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn't leave, so the farmer explained to him, "Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses." Obama angrily replied, "Hey, are you saying that I'm a horse's ass?" The farmer answered, "No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse's ass. It's hard to fool them flies though."
 
 
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Everybody knows that beer is better than Obama. Click Obama Beer to read the many reasons why.
 
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Q. What do you call the most powerful Muslim in the world?
A. The President of the United States.
Tip o'the hat to OWK.
 
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A Message From the POTUS
 
You have reached the office of the President of the United States. President Obama is either away from his desk or not in the Oval Office at this time. At the tone, please leave your name, your telephone number, the size of the bailout or earmark that you are seeking and the aggregate dollar amount of your campaign donations to date.
 
Beep.
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Barack Obama's Budget Rules
 
1. If Obama calls deficit spending an investment, then it must not cost anything.
 
2. Cutting a billion dollars from the military justifies giving a trillion dollars to bankers.
 
3. When Obama sends a spending proposal to Congress, it doesn't count if they want to spend even more.
 
4. If Obama reduces a proposed increase in spending, he counts it as a budget cut.
 
5. When Obama eliminates our deductions, the higher payments we make aren't a tax increase.
 
6. Obama's budget is like his golf game. He eventually winds up in the hole.
 
7. Higher taxes are Obama's way to stop you from thriving too fast.
 
8. Reading an omnibus tax bill before signing it is bad luck.
 
9. If an entitlement program is off budget, it's free.
 
10. Back room deals rock!
 
Obama, McCain and All Hillary Die And Go To Heaven
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
 
McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."
 
So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."
 
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."
Obama Q And A
 
Q: Why did Senator Arlen Specter cross the aisle?
 
A: To get to the Obama side.
 
Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
 
A: Obama.
 
Q: Hey, did you hear that Obama’s Aunt Zeituni is getting deported?
 
A: Yeah, they’re sending her back to Hawaii.
 
Spinin’ The Oldies
 
Q: You see Obama riding a bike along the road. Why don’t you swerve and hit him?
 
A: It’s probably your bike.
 
Q: What’s black and brown and would look good on Obama?
 
A: A Doberman.
 
Q: Obama and a snake are laying on a Red State road. How can you tell which one’s the snake?
 
A: It has skid marks in front of it.
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