Nun jokes

Nun jokes

Did you hear about Mother Superior dropping dead of a heart attack

 the other morning?

She went to the bathroom, and found the seat up.

 

 

 

Hear about the nun who wiped her nose on her sleeve, and refused

 to bathe?

She sure has some filthy habits.

 

 

 

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun with multiple stab wounds.

 

 

 

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

 

 

 

What's black and white and red all over and has trouble getting

 through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her.

 

 

 

The young nun innocently asks Mother Superior "What's a blow job?" 

"Twenty bucks, same as in town."

 

 

 

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business

 next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any

 dirty habits.

 

 

 

Attila the Nun: a simple girl pledged to a life of brutality.

 

 

 

A transsexual nun is a transistor!

 

 

 

NUN -- A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, ain't

going to get none and doesn't want anyone else to get any either.

 

 

 

A drunk is staggering down the street when is confronted by a nun.

She comments on his condition, and he beats the shit out of her.

"Not so tough, are you Batman?"

 

 

 

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.

 

 

 

Nuns are married to God ... so if they divorce, they get half

 the universe.

 

 

 

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic!

 

 

 

What is black and white, and red all over?

Two nuns in a chainsaw fight!

 

 

 

What does 7-UP have in common with a nun?

"Never had it, never will."

 

 

 

What kind of underwear do nuns wear?

No Nonsense pantyhose and cross-your-heart bras.

 

 

 

What would you call a 12 year old girl who decides to become a nun?

Premature Immaculation.

 

 

 

Hear about the new film about Joan of Arc?

It's called, "The Frying Nun."

 

 

 

When Queen Elizabeth gave birth, a twenty-gun salute was fired.

Sister Mary at the local convent gave birth and they fired

a dirty old canon.

 

 

 

   "Father Reilly," the mother superior reported, "I think you

should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent."

  "Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting tired

of the Chablis."

 

 

 

What do you call a nun with a limp?

Hopalong chastity

 

 

 

  "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired

Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing

her bulging stomach.

  "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a

little gas."

  A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun

noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

  "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

  On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor

when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in,

the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

 

 

 

  While driving to church, an elderly priest has a flat tire.

A young man passing by offers to change the flat.  His offer

is accepted.

  "There you go, Father...  All set," says the young man as

he finishes mounting the spare.

  "Are the lug nuts on tight?  I wouldn't want the wheel to

fall off," says the elderly priest.

  "Yes, Father.  They're as tight as a nun," answers the

non-Catholic young man.

  "Well, in that case," says the priest, "you better give 'em

another couple of turns."

 

 

 

  At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and

several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the

rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest

and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

  The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told

her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to

church property as "our" not "your."

  Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to

be trimmed.  She again went to the priest and told him, "Father,

I've noticed that your...I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."

  The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention

and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing.

  She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

  Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop

would be coming for a visit.  The whole parish was in an uproar of

cleaning, etc.

  On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front

stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found your watch!!"

  The bishop said, "How wonderful my child."

  After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest

and said, "Why yes, Father, I found it under OUR bed."

 

 

 

  Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet

watch over a silent convent.  She is the last caretaker of this site

of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies,

the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox

Patriarch of Macedonia.

  However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53,

enjoys excellent health.  By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles

daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base

for the army of Attila the Hun.  In more ancient times, a Greek

temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

  Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D.,

and used it as a base for his marauding army.  The Huns are believed

to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek

legal writs at the site.  It is believed that Attila wanted to study

the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought

to the temple.  Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents

destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read

them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government

that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all-powerful

tyrant".

  When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and

the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of

Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.

  Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun

base.  When she goes, that will be it.

  Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros,

and Nun on base.

 

 

 

Me at work: "I'm designing something for Gabarone.

Colleague:  "There's a famous convent there..."

Me:         "is there really?"

Colleague:  "You must know it, they made a film about it."

Me:         "No, I can't guess."

Colleague:  "The Nuns of Gabarone?"

 

 

 

  Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with

her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida.

  The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd

seen in Jamaica.

  The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street, and one turns to the other and says "Do you know, I've never come this way before."

 

...At last the hill was too steep and the poor nuns had to get off their bicycles and walk. As they passed a dark passageway two yobbos jumped out, dragged them into the passage and started to rape them. "Lord forgive them for they know not what they do", said one "Sshhhhhh", said the other, "this one does."

 

...After they have been raped by the two yobbos the two nuns continue to the top of the hill to the convent. One turns to the other and says, "What will we tell the mother superior about being raped twice?" The other replies "But we were only raped once." The first says "We're coming back this way, aren't we?"

 

...So the poor nuns, raped and exhausted, confess to the Mother Superior the things that had happened on the way, and she says, "Go away and each suck half a lemon". "Will that absolve us from our sin?" asked one of the nuns. "No," said the Mother Superior, "but it will wipe that silly grin off your faces."

 

...So after the two nuns have sucked their lemons they return to the Mother Superior for the second part of their pennance. "Now you must go and wash your fannies in the holy water", says the Mother Superior, "And your sins will be finally absolved." So off they go to the font in the cathedral, and after looking around to check no one is about, they are just about to clap the holy sponges over their pussies when another nun comes rushing up and says, "Wait wait, I've got to gargle in that first."

 

...Later that night all the nuns are lying in the dormitory when the Mother Superior calls up the stairs, "All right girls, it's ten o'clock! Bibles away and candles out." Then there comes the sound, 'pop' 'pop' 'pop'.

 

...And thats one of the reasons why nuns go around in pairs, so that one nun sees that the other nun gets nun.

 

...But the Mother Superior was not heartless. She knew her younger nuns and said, "I have no objection to you getting a little bit from the monks across the way, but don't get into the habit."

 

...Nine months later the one nun gave birth to a baby without anybody knowing about it. She was in two minds as to whether she should tell the Mother Superior about it. She eventually decided to tell her, so she took the baby and went to the Mother S's room. Arriving there, she found the Mother sound asleep with her legs astride. Seeing a solution to her problem, she carefully placed the baby between the Mother's legs and left. The next morning the mother woke up and found the baby there and exclaimed, "Fuck, you can't even trust the altar candles these days."

 

...A few months later the same nun went to the head monk to complain.

"Father I came walking through the park today when a bastard grabbed me and kissed me."

"Like this, my child?" the monk asked and grabbed her and kissed her. "Yes, Father."

"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but then he threw me on the grass." "Like this, my child?" the monk asked and threw her down on the couch. "Yes, Father."

"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but then he undressed me." "Like this, my child?" the monk asked and took her clothes off. "Yes, Father."

"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but then he raped me"

"Like this, my child?" the monk asked and started screwing her. "Yes, Father."

"But that is no reason to call the man a bastard, my child." "Yes, Father, but he gave me VD."

"Such a bastard!" he exclaimed, pulling his schlong out in a great rush.

 

Mother Superior to nuns riding bicycle in the courtyard: "OK, girls, back on with the saddles."

 

A novice nun in the convent was asked to hold the fort whilst the Mother Superior is away and is given special instructions to look after an ailing old monk who is spending his last days there. On her return the Mother Superior asked "How is the old monk?" The novice said that on the first day soon after she had taken in his food she had seen a large lump under his habit and asked what it was. He had replied that it was the key to heaven and that she had the keyhole. He had unlocked the door to heaven several times since then. "The old bastard" replied the Mother Superior, "he told me it was Gabriel's horn."

 

Novice in convent garden is frightening pigeons from newly planted seeds by waving her hands and shouting, "Fuck off!" to the birds. Mother Superior is aghast and runs quickly to the little nun. "Sshhhhhh," says the Mother Superior, "that's not the way to do it. You must just say 'shoo shoo' and they'll fuck off by themselves."

 

A priest was confronted by a prostitute. "Do you want a quickie for five rand?". Not knowing what it was, he said no. A few minutes another prostitute also offered him a quickie for five rand. Again he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him, and he went to a nun. "What," he asked, "is a quickie?" "Five rand, same as in town," the nun answered.

 

The little novice was only eleven years old and was troubled by the tiny swellings on her chest, thinking this was some penance that God was making her suffer for some unremembered sin. So she went hesitantly to the Mother Superior's office and knocked on the door. "Come in," said the Mother Superior. "What is troubling you, my child?" "Well", said the little nun, and explained the fears she had about these "bumps" on her chest. "How old are you?" said the Mother Superior. "Eleven going on twelve", said the novice. "Well then," was the kind reply, "at about your age all girls start to get them. Eventually they develop into the same as I have more or less, so to speak. So worry not and go in peace." Much relieved, the little nun returned to her cell. About fourteen months later she was in her bath and noticed little dark hairs that itched were growing around her pussy. Worried again that this was punishment for some terrible sin, she returned to the Mother Superior's office and knocked again. "Come in", replied a deep voice from inside and she hesitantly went inside. The father abbot from across the road stood there. "Yes, my child?" asked the kindly old man. The little girl explained about her pussy, being innocent and therefore unafraid to talk to the abbot. "How old are you?" asked the gentle old monk, and she replied, "Thirteen." "Well," said the abbot, "at about your age all people start to grow hair round there. It's nothing to worry about." "How do I know that's true?" she asked. "The Mother Superior showed me her bust when I explained that my breasts were growing, but I cannot see your hair as it does not show under clothes." "Let me reassure you," he said and opened his habit to do just that. The little girl's eyes grew bigger and bigger as she stared at his great big schlong hanging there, and at last she said, "Good Lord, and when do I get one of those between my legs?" "Just as soon as I shut that fucking door," he replied.

Q :- “What do you call nun who walks in her sleep?”

 

A :- “A roaming catholic”

 

 

 

Q:- “What do you call a large shop with 100 nuns in it”

 

A: “Virgin Mega-store.”

 

 

 

Q :- “What’s the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath ?”

 

A :- “One’s got hope in her soul and the other has soap in her h??? ”

 

 

 

Question. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Answer. Dress her up as an alter boy.

 

 

 

Q :- “What happens when a nun gets pregnant ?”

 

A :- “They fire a canon ”

 

 

 

Two nuns are sitting in their little mini at the traffic lights when a drunk approaches them. “What will I do?” says one nun to the other. “Show him your cross” was the reply So he other nun rolls down the window and shouts out “F*** off you drunken bastard”

 

 

 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend  sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back sleep. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' 

 

The nun fainted............

 

 

 

Q :- “What’s black and white and tells the Pope to f*** off ?”

 

A :- “A nun who's just won the lottery"

 

 

 

A Nun dies and finds herself outside the pearly gates. St. Peter says “I know you’ve had a truly unblemished life Sister, but I must ask you one question before you come in. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam? “Gosh, that’s a hard one.” she replied. “Well done.” said St. Peter as he opened the gates.

 

 

 

Q :- “What did the nun say to her brand new vibrator ?”

 

A :- “Stop shaking with fear my dear it's the first time for me as well"

 

 

 

Bashful goes into the convent and asks the mother superior and ask if there's any nuns here about this size (2'-6") "No" was the answer and the door was closed. Bashful went round all the convents in the area and was given the same "no" answer. He went back to the place where the seven dwarfs stay and the other six dwarfs were sitting at there tea. Bashful jumped up in the air, clicked his heals. clapped his hand above his head and shouted out "Dopey's sh****d a penguin"

 

 

 

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!" "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the ceiling, father." "How much did you win?"

 

 

 

Mother Superior at the Convent of St Agnes got all of the nuns together for a little meeting, for something had come up. She said, "Sisters, we've discovered a case of syphilis in the house!" Whereupon little sister Mary Catherine clasped her hands together and fell to her knees and exclaimed,

"Oh, thank the Lord! We've all been getting so tired of Chardonnay!"

 

 

 

Q :- What kind of sex life does a Monk have?

 

A :- Nun

 

 

 

Q:- what's the difference between two fat ladies and two nuns?

 

A:- Some are trying to diet and some are dying to try it.

 

 

 

Three Italian Nuns passed away. When they reached the Pearly Gates St. Peter says to them "You have all led such exemplary live God is granting you another six months of life on earth as however you like. The first nun said "Sophia Loren" and in a flash she disappears. The second nun chooses Madonna and likewise she is away. The third nun is holding an old newspaper cutting in her hand while she says "Sarah Pipelini" A little baffled St. Peter takes the cutting from her hand. He reads it out and smiles "Sorry sister I think you'll find it was actually the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1000 men in six months.

 

 

 

A young nun said to the Mother Superior "I was out walking in the garden last night when the gardener had his wicked way with me. Can you give me a penance?" "Go and suck ten lemons dry" said the Mother Superior. "But that won't cleanse my transgressions" "I know, but it will wipe that contented grin off your face"

 

 

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