Navy jokes

An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy admiral are all sitting around discussing whose service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

 

The Army general (well into his second or third iced tea) announces to the group, "My soldiers are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible!" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.

 

When all three representatives have arrived, the general states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first." Turning to the soldier, he says, "Private, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark-infested waters, climb up that sheer cliff and return with two bird eggs... unbroken of course."

 

The PFC took off running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the Ranger swam across the ten miles of ocean (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs over to the admiral and hands him the two unbroken eggs.

 

The Marine general says, "That wasn't anything," and turning to his Marine he says, "Corporal, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the four miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back two eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

 

And with that the corporal moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the two eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the general, the Marine hands him the eggs.

 

The admiral smiles then says, "Very nice gentlemen," and turning towards his sailor he says, "Chief, I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the four miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back two eggs from the forest on the other side."

 

The Chief looks at the admiral, then the cliff, and again back to the admiral, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR, GO GET YOUR OWN EGGS!" renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

 

The admiral turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, THAT'S bravery."

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

 

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

 

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

 

***

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

 

"My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."

 

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

 

"He's in the Army, Sir."

 

***

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

 

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”

 

The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

 

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

 

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

 

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!”

 

***

There once was a pirate named Bates,

Who danced the Fandango on skates.

He fell on his cutlass

Which rendered him nutless

And practically useless on dates!

 

***

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Dabloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect. Dabloon of course inquires, "How he be a'holdin 'is ground?" Smartly, the parrot replied "Awk! With me yardarm of course," to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect, his wraparound length tally-whacker. The captain is amazed at the impressive appendage, and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley crew.

 

Captain Loony Dabloon and the newly-monikered Tiltin Yardarm fast become talkative mates, and the captain wastes no time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate, Rusty Pegleg. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye as soon as he'd steal the bung from its hole!"

 

They voyage on, and at the next port the crew finds a slew of horny wenches, of which the captain always gets the first pick. Dabloon immediately picks the sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account as Rusty Pegleg drools at the mere sight of her. The captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen enough to plunder the Captain's choice pick with Tiltin Yardarm bearing witness.

 

However, when the Captain returns, his wench is gone, and Yardarm begins to squawk a terrible account. Loony Dabloon is incensed-

 

"What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?!"

 

"Awk! Rusty Pegleg is all to blame, I swear me Cap'n!"

 

This further infuriates Dabloon - "Tell yer every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!" Titltin musters his courage- "Awk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed!" The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?!"

 

His parrot begins to quiver. "Awk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor!"

 

Dabloon unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger, pointing at his feathery witness - "Spare no detail or it's yer life!" Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters- "Awk! She was clawing for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh captain, Oh captain!'"

 

To this, the maddened Captain Loony Dabloon thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck- "Every bloody detail or yer to walk the plank and find Davey Jones locker with 'im!" Tiltin Yardarm swallows heavily and replies- "I can't bear witness to what happened next. I fell right off me perch!"

Sales Pitch…

 

Bubba Joe’s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

 

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.

 

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba’s sales pitch.

 

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:

 

“If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000.”

 

“If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.”

 

“Now… Which bunch do you think they’re gonna send into combat first?”

 

Thanks to Mary S. for this one. She continues to send us good stuff from time to time.

 

Trouble…

 

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, “Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.

 

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, “Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts.”

 

The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink ‘before the trouble starts.’

 

After several rounds of this, the bartender says, “Look Sailor, you’ve been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?”

 

The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. “The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don’t have any money.”

 

E-Male…

 

A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early. Arriving home, he found his wife with another man. Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.

 

“Bill” she said, “I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode.”

 

“This I’ve got to hear,” the Sailor said.

 

“It was an honest mistake,” the mother-in -law said. ” She never got your e-mail!”

 

Waiting for God…

 

A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

 

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again the Professor taunted God, saying, “Here I am, God! I’m still waiting!”

 

His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face. The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.

 

At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently. The class fell silent… waiting.

 

Eventually, the Professor came to. When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row. “What’s the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?”

 

The Marine smiled. “God was busy. He sent me.”

 

(Okay… This one is actually a Marine joke, but we liked it anyway.)

 

Enlist today…

 

If I could, I’d enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC but, I’m over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 35 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

 

You shouldn’t be able to join until you’re at least 35. For starters:

 

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

 

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can’t kill the enemy we’ll complain them into submission. “My back hurts!” “I’m hungry!” “Where’s the remote control?”

 

An 18-year-old hasn’t had a legal beer yet and you shouldn’t go to war until you’re at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he’s 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

 

An 18-year-old doesn’t like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

 

If old guys are captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. We’ve also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, “Drop and give me…er…one.”

 

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He’s still hasn’t figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to war.

 

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

The Power of the Almighty Chief Petty Officer As a crowded airliner is about to takeoff, the peace is suddenly shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a US Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me Chief", she asks quietly, "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Chief smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."

 

A wise old Master Chief once said...

A young Ensign approaches the crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well," replied the Master Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.

The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.

Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.

As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes Master Chief" replied the young Ensign. "But what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"

"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - back to the Garden of Eden.

You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

 

"The Genie"

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone. "Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the Chief.

The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

 

"The Chief and the Gunny"

An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night.

In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

 

"A Mustang's Hunting Dog"

A Mustang retired after 35 years and realized a lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new gun dog, "Chief". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best.

The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him. Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to Chief?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief.' After that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."

 

In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business.

A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation."

The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt. That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about the Army and other small talk.

After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet.

The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note. That same day, a Master Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Master Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Master Chief, it's on the house.

Thanks for your service to this great nation." You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ...were three more Master Chiefs!

 

"The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy"

A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

 

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