Lesbian jokes

lesbian jokes

Lesbian jokes

Free Funny Lesbian Jokes

 

A fellow and his mate were watching two lesbians in the pub. Suddenly one of them jumps up from her table and storms out of the pub.

 

The guy says to his mate "What do you think happened there?"

 

His mate thoughtfully replies, "She obviously can’t handle her licker."

 

What do lesbians cook for dinner?

They don't cook, they just eat out!

 

3)

What do lesbians do after they have an argument?

They go home and lick each others wounds!

 

4)

What do two lesbian lovers do when they are both menstruating?

They finger paint!

 

5)

What did one lesbian say to the other?

Your face or mine?

 

6)

What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?

Well hung!

 

7)

What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?

Hairballs!

 

8)

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?

A Klondike!

 

9)

What's the definition of Frenzy?

Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market!

 

10)

What's the new politically correct name for a lesbian?

A Vagitarian!

 

11)

In order to save on holiday costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder and says, "There is something I have been meaning to tell you about myself. I will be frank. I am a lesbian."

"That's OK," replied the other girl, "I will be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too!"

 

12)

What's the difference between a lesbian finger fucking a blonde and a Harley Davidson at the side of the road?

One is a bike in the ditch.......!

 

13)

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

She kept on having affairs with men!

 

14)

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

"You know, we do taste like chicken!"

 

15)

What's the Latin name for a lesbian?

Strapadictomy!

 

16)

Did you hear about the twin sisters who were both born lesbian?

They Lick a like!

 

17)

Did you hear about the lesbian who took too much Viagra?

She couldn't get her tongue back into her mouth for over a week!

 

18)

Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?

Because they are always eating out!

 

19)

What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?

A block of flaps!

 

20)

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotopuss!

 

21)

What do you call two lesbians paddling a canoe down the river?

Fur traders!

 

22)

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"I will see you again next month!"

 

23)

Two lesbians were standing at the bar drinking when another girl waved across the bar.

"Who is that chick?" the first lesbian asked, "I would sure like to get her legs spread on my bed!"

"No you wouldn't!" replied the other lesbian, "I have heard that she is hung like a doughnut!"

 

24)

A lesbian went to the gynaecologist one day, and as the doctor is examining her, he remarked, "My, aren't we clean today."

"Yeah," replied the lesbian, "I have a woman who comes in twice a week!"

 

25)

What do you call a fight between two Chinese lesbians?

A Tong war!

 

26)

How do you know when you are in a real lesbian bar?

Not even the pool table has balls!

 

27)

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

19! One to change the lightbulb and 18 to make a documentary about it!

 

28)

Why were lesbians invented?

So that feminists wouldn't breed!

 

29)

How many screws are there in a lesbians coffin?

None, Its all tongue and groove!

 

30)

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?

A Licker cabinet!

 

31)

What do you call 100 heavily armed lesbians?

Militia Etheridge!

 

32)

What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz?

One is a snack cracker.................!

 

33)

What do you call a Pakistani lesbian?

Fadjeeta!

 

34)

What do Polish lesbians use for a lubricant?

Tartar sauce!

 

 Q: what do you call two lesbians floating down a river A: Fur Traders

 Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

 Q: Whats the difference between a lesbian driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: When u are eating pussy you can still see the asshole in front of you!

 Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: "I’ll see you next month."

 Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience

 Q: Why don't fem lesbians go on dates? A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.

 Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"? A: It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!

 Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: the dykee? A: It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off.

 Q: What’s the difference between a lesbian and a ritz cracker? A: One’s a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

 Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian? A: Gaylick

 Q: What do you call a lesbian who lives up north? A: A Klondyke.

 Q: What's the most important

 Question on the minds of Alaskan lesbians? A: What would ya do oh oh for a Klondyke bar?

 Q: What do you call a lesbian's closet? A: A lick-her cabinet.

 Q: What do you call three lesbians in a closet? A: A Licker cabinet

 Q: What do lesbians call viagra? A: Batteries

 Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? A: Single!

 Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A: Well hung.

 Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like? A: Depends

 Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear lipstick at the same time? A: You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face!

 Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? A: Toys for Twats

 Q: What do you call a 300 pound lesbian? A: A bush hog

 Q: What do you call a 100 pound lesbian? A: A weedeater

 Q: What did one lesbian say to another? A: "Your face or mine?"

 Q: Do you know why oysters increase lesbian sexual libido? A: Because after eating a dozen oysters, pussy doesn’t taste so bad!

 Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like? A: Tongue in cheek.

 Q: What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker? A: Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

 Q: What do you call two Chinese lesbians? A: two can chew!

 Q: What is the definition of confusion? A: 3 blind lesbians in a fish market.

 Q: How can you tell you’re in a tough lesbian bar? A: Even the pool table has no balls.

 Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends? A: Someone has to mow the yard.

 Q: What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semiautomatic rifles? A: Militia etheridge

 Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a lesbian? A: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

 Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? A: Well hung

 Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall? A: A crack in the ceiling.

 Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Both of them.

 Q: What is the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian? A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker. A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?" The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week." 
A lesbian walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are.

 

"Come this way," the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.

 

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the vibrator, would I?" the woman responds.

______________________________________…

 

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ’M’ shaped rash.

 

The doctor replies, "Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen."

 

The woman explains, "Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love."

 

The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.

 

The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks.

 

"My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love," she says.

 

The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.

 

The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ’M’ on her chest.

 

"Let me guess," the doctor says. "Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?"

 

"No," the patient replies, "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

 

______________________________________…

 

Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was.

 

She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye.

 

Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."

 

About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

 

Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

 

So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

 

Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:

"Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."

"Love - Mum"

 

______________________________________…

 

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.

 

Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

 

Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

 

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

 

"Well... yes."

 

Still without looking up: "Does that mean lick women down below?"

 

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.

 

With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:

"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

______________________________________…

 

A woman goes to the gynecologist,and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"

 

The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

______________________________________…

 

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.

 

One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

 

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her, and says:

"I am Mother Nature, and I do not like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

 

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

 

Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

 

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

 

She screams back, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"

 

_____________________________________

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

 

A: A licker cabinet.

 

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

 

A: A Klondyke.

 

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

 

A: Militia Etheridge.

 

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

 

A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

 

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

 

A: Fur Traders

 

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

 

A: Lickalotapuss

 

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

 

A: Well Hung

 

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

 

A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake

 

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

 

A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls

 

10. What do you call lesbian twins?

 

A: Lick-a-likes

 

11. What's the definition of confusion?

 

A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market

 

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

 

A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

 

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?

 

A: 100 people that don't do dick

Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire??

 

 

 

 

A: Same time next month ?  

 

 

 

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

 

 

A: Lickalottapuss

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

Why do lesbians only shop at sports authority?

 

Because they hate dicks.

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