Gay jokes

Gay jokes

13 Margeritas

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, "Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?"

 

Brokeback Mountain – Deputy Edition

A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.

 

Murphy’s Logic

One day Murphy was outside and was mowing his grass when a big moving truck pulled in the driveway next to his. Knowing that no one lives there he figures that he is getting new nieghbor's. He finishes up his grass and the neighbor's are unloading the truck he walks up to the fence and says hello, I'm Murphy and I live next door. Well the guy sets down the box that he is carrying and says "good to meet you Murphy I, am Tim".

 

Harry Potter, Gay?

This YouTube vid does a good job making you think so. "Harry Potter... will learn how love can drain the wizard." See for yourself, lmao!

 

Rifleman

Don't you remember the good 'ole days when a young boy could hold a large piece of wood up to a grown man's crotch and it wasn't inappropriate?

Gay Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

 

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

 

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

 

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

 

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

 

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

 

"What?" asks the guy.

 

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

 

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

 

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

 

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

 

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

 

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

 

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

 

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

 

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

 

"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...

 

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink."

 

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink".

 

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan Just Do It.

 

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."

 

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give

him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

 

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1."

 

Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the

customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

 

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

How can you make a gay man scream twice?

Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your d*ck off on his curtains.

 

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?

He didn't like the way he was being reared.

 

Why do so many gays have mustaches?

To hide the stretch marks.

 

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?

Went around blowing fuses.

 

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?

Only came in male boxes.

 

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?

100 people that don''t do d*ck!

 

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?

 

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A fruit stand.

 

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?

They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

 

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?

All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

 

What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?

At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

Gay Jokes – Lesbian Carpenters

Q: How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?

A: All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

Gay Jokes – Ambulance

Q: What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?

A: They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Gay Jokes – Bar Football Joke

A gay guy walks into a bar and the bartender said hey dude this is a straight bar we don't serve your kind here! The gay guy responds with, "I have a cool game we can play", so the bartender said ok go ahead and show me your game.

Gay Guys Rules:

You slam a beer and that's your touch down - 6 points

Then you pull your pants down and bend over and fart as quickly as possible to get your extra point!

 

So the bartender said ok, that sounds easy enough...I'll go first!

 

So the bartender slammed his beer, then pulled down his pants and bent over quickly to get his extra point...with this the gay guy slammed him in the rear with his...and said block that kick, block that kick!!

Gay Jokes – Bar Stool Joke

Q: How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool?

A: Flip it over.

Gay Jokes - St. Peter Joke

Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

 

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

 

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

 

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Gay Jokes - Condom Joke

Q: How does a gay guy remove his condom?

A: Farts

Why are faggots so generous?

Because they don't know how to be tight arsed!

 

2)

What's the definition of a poofter?

A bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends!

 

3)

A homo went to Denmark to have a sex change operation performed. When 'SHE' returned, a friend asked, "How did it go?"

"Oh awful, just awful!" she replied.

"What was so awful?" asked the friend, "Did it hurt a lot when they removed the extra parts?"

"Oh no," she replied, "That wasn't bad at all."

"Well, did it hurt when they put in the silicone implants?" the friend asked.

"Oh no, that wasn't bad either!" she replied.

"Well then," asked the friend, "What was so awful?"

"It was when they cut a hole in my head and took out half my brain!"

 

4)

Two queers were at the fairground.

Jamie said that he wanted to go on the Ferris wheel but Clive had a sore bum and decided not to go on as well. The wheel went round and round and then suddenly the cart that Jamie was seated in falls to the ground, landing at Clive's feet.

"Are you hurt Jamie?" cried Clive in a high pitched faggotty squeal.

"Of course I am you bitch!" replied Jamie with tears in eyes, "Three times I went round and you didn't wave once to me!"

 

5)

What did the homo sea captain give his gay boyfriend for his birthday?

A tug!

 

6)

How do you know that you have walked into a homosexual church service?

Only half the congregation are kneeling!

 

7)

How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one.....but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it!

 

8)

What are the first symptoms of AIDS?

A pounding sensation in the arse!

 

9)

If you had a poofter on your back, would you leave him there or pull him off?

 

10)

One day a homo dentist goes to another homo dentist to get some dental work.

The tooth fairy says to the other one in the chair, "You know, you have the whitest teeth I have ever COME across!"

 

11)

A queer goes into a doctor's surgery convinced that he is pregnant.

"How could you possibly be pregnant?" asked the doctor, "Who is the father?"

"What do you think I have?" asked the queer, "Eyes in the back of my head?"

 

12)

A homo finally decides he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, so he went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking. He sat down at the table, let out a big sigh and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you. I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the queer was about to repeat it to make sure she had heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and calmly said, "Your gay? Doesn't that mean that men put their penis's in your anus?"

"Yes mum, they do." He replied.

"And you put other men's penis's in your mouth, right?" she asked calmly.

"Uh, yes mum I do." The faggot said nervously.

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled round, with a snarling face and hit him over the head with a frying pan and screamed, "Don't you dare complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

 

13)

Three queers die in a car accident. All three were cremated. After the funeral their lovers were talking about what was to become of their ashes.

The first fag said, "Well, my lover was a pilot, he just loved to fly, so I am going to go up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the air!"

The next fag says, "My lover was a sailor, he just loved the water, so I am going to scatter his ashes in the ocean!"

The final fag says, "Well, my partner was a great lover, he just loved to screw, so I am going to mix his ashes into a tub of the hottest chilli powder so he can tear my arsehole up just one more time!"

 

14)

What's the definition of tender love?

Two faggots with haemorrhoids!

 

15)

Did you hear about the two queers who went to London?

They were really pissed off when they found out that Big Ben was a clock!

 

16)

Three faggots wanted to commit suicide. The first one leapt from a building and landed on the road and it took three weeks before they could scrape him off the tarmac.

The second one threw himself in front of a car and it took two months to peel him off the bumper.

The third one jumped out of a plane and landed on a flag pole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!

 

17)

Two queers were visiting the zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself the first queer reaches inside the cage to touch the huge cock. As soon as arm goes into the cage the gorilla grabs him, takes him into the cage, slams him on the floor and fucks him senseless.

A few days later in hospital the first queer's boyfriend visits him and said, "Does it hurt?"

"Hurt? Hurt?" cried the faggot, "Of course it hurts. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written........!"

 

18)

What does a homo and an ambulance have in common?

They both get loaded from the rear and go WHOO! WHOO!

 

19)

How do you get four faggots to share a bar stool?

Turn it upside down!

 

20)

Two homos decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.

"Wow!" one of the fags says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one of the lot!"

A nurse who happened to be walking by replied, "Now he's quiet, but wait until we take the pacifier out of his arse!"

 

21)

What do call a queer who doesn't have AIDS?

A lucky cocksucker!

 

22)

Did you know that 70% of the homo population was born that way?

The other 30% were sucked into it!

 

23)

How do faggots spell relief?

N-O-A-I-D-S!

 

24)

Have you heard about the new gay television soap series?

It's called 'Leave it, it's beaver!'

 

25)

What is a shit?

A faggots wet dream!

 

26)

What does AIDS stand for?

Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!

 

27)

How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?

The hero always gets his man at the end!

 

28)

How can you tell if a western is homosexual.

All the good guys are hung!

 

29)

Did you hear about the gay magician?

He vanished with a poof!

 

30)

How can you tell if a household is homosexual?

The welcome mat reads 'Please wipe Your Knees!'

 

31)

What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?

A fruit float!

 

32)

Why are faggots always the first out of burning buildings?

Because they already have their shit packed!

 

33)

How does a faggot fake an orgasm?

He spits on your back!

 

34)

How do faggots dispose of their condoms?

By farting!

 

35)

Why can't scientist's discover a cure for AIDS?

Because they can't get the laboratory mice to fuck each other up the arse!

 

36)

What do you call a gay dentist?

The tooth fairy of course!

 

37)

Did you ever hear about the two Scottish queers?

Their names were Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis!

 

38)

Did you ever hear of the two Irish Poofters?

Their names are Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick!

 

39)

Two queers are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the water. Another fag walked in and asked, "What the hell are you two doing?"

"We are teaching our baby how to swim!"

 

40)

Why did the faggot take two aspirin with his viagra?

So sex wouldn't be such a big pain in the arse!

 

41)

Did you hear about the two queer judges?

They tried each other!

 

42)

What's a homosexual masochist?

A sucker for punishment!

 

43)

What do you get if you cross a homo Eskimo and a nigger?

A snowblower that doesn't work!

 

44)

Have you heard about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?

Pour milk on them and they eat themselves!

 

45)

What do you call a homo Jew?

A Heblew!

 

46)

Did you hear about the faggot truckers?

They exchanged loads!

 

47)

Two faggots were on a sunny beach. The first one said, "Shall I put the umbrella up?"

"Yes," replied the second homo, "But don't open it, I'm a bit sore!"

 

48)

What do you call a gay club with no stools?

A fruit stand!

 

49)

If three faggots are in bed together what do you call the one in the middle?

A double adapter!

 

50)

What do you call the foreskin on a faggot?

Mudflaps!

 

51)

Which is better, being born black or gay?

Black. Because you don't have to tell your parents!

 

52)

Did you hear about the two queers who were in a telephone box?

They were trying to ring each other!

 

53)

There was an auto race from San Francisco to Miami between a car full of fags and a car full of lesbians. Who arrived in Miami first?

The lesbians did. They 'Headed' down Highway '69' doing Lickety Split while the fags were still in San Francisco packing their shit!

 

54)

What's worse than your best friend telling you that he is a queer?

When he tells you that he fucked you up the arse that night when you was drunk at his party!

 

55)

What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?

At a straight rodeo everybody yells, "Ride them suckers!

 

56)

How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?

He ties up the safe and blows the Security Guard!

 

57)

George and Elton, a pair of homosexual lovers, went hiking. George ducked behind a bush when he felt nature calling. Suddenly he called out, "How terrible! I miscarried! I miscarried! Here is a little arm! There is a little leg! This is so awful!"

"Shut up you idiot!" screamed Elton, "You just shit on a frog!"

 

58)

What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?

Male Fraud!

 

59)

Did you hear about the homo Indian?

He was a brave sucker!

 

60)

What happened when three queers attacked a woman?

Two of them held her down and the other did her hair!

 

61)

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?

It went round blowing fuses!

 

62)

What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?

A Megasorarse!

 

63)

A guy walks into a homosexual bar. He's a newly discovered gay and has come to find a couple of flings. Anyway, he is sitting at the bar, eating, drinking and checking out the crowd when he has a sudden urge to fart. He looks round and sees other people farting nicely. One 'Pssssttttt' here and another 'Pssssstttt' there. He decides, what the hell, and farts a loud 'Brrrrrttttttt'! All of a sudden, the bar is quiet, and everybody points to him and shouts "VIRGIN!"

 

64)

Did you hear about the two queers who had an argument in a gay bar?

They went outside and exchanged blows!

 

65)

What's the hardest thing about AIDS?

Leaving your friends behind!

 

66)

How do you stop a gay baby from crying?

Put the damn dummy back into it's arse!

 

67)

Two queers are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril stays at home everyday to do the housework. One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.

"What are you doing Cyril?" he asked.

"Oh, Bruce," replied Cyril, "I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you got home!"

 

68)

Why did the queer think his boyfriend was cheating on him?

Because he kept coming home shitfaced!

 

69)

What's the worst thing a straight guy can say in a gay bar?

Can you push my stool in please?!

 

70)

Why do faggots wear ribbed condoms?

For better traction in mud!

 

71)

Why was the queer sacked from his job in the sperm bank?

He was caught drinking on the job!

 

72)

What do you give a queer with AIDS for Christmas?

Cancer!

 

73)

Two queers were taking a shower with each other. The phone rings and Lance says to Rod, "I will be right back darling, so don't start without me!"

After a minute or so Lance comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the shower wall.

"I thought I told you not to start without me!" he squealed.

"Oh, just relax!" replied Rod, "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"

 

74)

Two gays were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had got circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second queer. So the guy dropped his pants to show off his cock!

"Ohhhhh!" squealed the second turdbasher, "You look ten years younger!"

 

75)

What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?

It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!

 

76)

What do you call a gay milkman?

A dairy queen!

 

77)

An obviously gay guy swished onto a bus to face a derogatory sneer from the massive bus driver.

"Faggot! growled the driver, "Where's your pearls?"

"Pearls with corduroy?" shrieked the gay, "Are you mad!"

 

78)

How many gays does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven. One to change the bulb, and six to shriek, "Faaaaaaabulous!"

 

79)

What do fags call hemorrhoids?

Speed bumps!

 

80)

How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?

The hotdogs taste like shit!

 

 

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