Food jokes

What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate too fast?

Stop goblin your food.


What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?

A box of quackers.


Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?

Because he was on a roll.


Why did the student eat his homework?

The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.


What did the hungry computer eat?

Chips, one byte at a time.


Why do fish avoid the computer?

So they don't get caught in the Internet.


What did the cannibal order for take-out?

Pizza with everyone on it.


How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the cheesecake.


I trained my dog not to beg at the table.

How did you do that?

I let him taste my cooking.


What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich?

Launch meat.


What do cats call mice on skateboards?

"Meals on Wheels."


Why do you eat so fast?

I want to eat as much as possible before losing my appetite.


What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

Close the door, I'm dressing!


What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells.


Jack: Would you like some Egyptian Pie?

Jill: What's Egyptian pie?

Jack: You know, the kind mummy used to make.


The customer asked: "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Yessir," repplied the waiter. "We'll serve just about anybody."


What starts with "t" ends with "t" and is filled with "t"?

A teapot.


Why did the man eat at the bank?

He wanted to eat rich food.


What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night?



Why don't chickens play sports?

Because they hit fowl balls.


What has ears but can't hear a thing?

A cornfield.


Where does a bat eat his dinner?

On home plate, and he has a ball.


What's the worst thing about being an octopus?

Washing your hands before dinner.


What did one knife say to the other?

Look sharp!


Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?

Because it said 'concentrate.'


How does the man in the moon eat his food?

In satellite dishes.


Did you hear the joke about oatmeal?

It's a lot of mush.


Q:   What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when she ate too            fast?                                                                                                                   

 A:   Stop goblin your food.

Q:   What do cats call mice on skateboards?                                                  

 A:   Meals on Wheels.

Q:   Why did the student eat his homework?                                                  

 A:   Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q:   What’s in an astronaut’s favourite sandwich?                                         

 A:   Launch meat.

Q:   What do you get if you divide the circumference of a                                Jack-o-lantern by its diameter?                                                                  

 A:   Pumpkin pi.

Q:   Why can’t you tell secrets in the farmer’s garden?                               

 A:   Because the corn has ears and the potatoes have eyes.

Q:   What starts with ‘t’ ends with ‘t’ and is full of ‘t’?                                   

 A:   A teapot.

Q:   Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?                              

 A:   Because it said ‘concentrate’.

Q:   Why did the tomato turn red?                                                                  

 A:   Because it saw the salad dressing.

Q:   Why did the donut go to the dentist?                                                     

 A:   Because it needed a chocolate filling.

Q:   Did the grape cry when someone stepped on it?                                

 A:   No, it just let out a little wine.

Q:   Why did the cookie go to the doctor?                                                     

 A:   Because it felt crummy.

Q:   Why kind of food should you eat to increase your vision?               

 A:   Seafood.

Q:   What do you get if you throw two banana peels on the floor?            

 A:   A pair of slippers.

Q:   Why didn’t the butter take the part in the new movie?                        

 A:   Because it didn’t like the roll it was being offered.

Q:   How do you fix a broken pizza?                                                               

 A:   Tomato paste.

Q:   Why is the mushroom always invited to parties?                                   

 A:   Because he is a fungi (fun guy).

Q:   What would you get if Miss Piggy and Jackie Chan got married and        had kids?                                                                                                         

 A:   Pork chops.

Q:   Why did the raisin go to the dance with the prune?                               

 A:   Because he couldn’t get a date.

Q:   How do you turn a pumpkin into another vegetable?                            

 A:   Throw it up into the air, and it will come down squash .

Q:   What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?                                    

 A:   Iceberg.

Q:   What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?                    

 A:   Patty.

Q:   What did one strawberry say to the other?                                            

 A:   If you weren’t so fresh, we wouldn’t be in this jam.

Q:   What is a tree’s favourite drink?                                                             

 A:   Root beer.

Q:   What do you call a stolen yam?                                                               

 A:   A hot potato

Q:   What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?                           

 A:   A box of quackers.

Q:   What do people who  really don’t know how to cook that well                   make for  dinner every night?                                                                    

 A:   Reservations.

Q:   What did the hungry computer eat?                                                        

 A:   Chips, one byte at a time.

Q:   What did one steak knife say to the other?                                             

 A:   Look sharp, here comes the meat.

Q:   What does the bat eat its dinner on?                                                        

 A:   Home plate, and it has a ball.

Q:   What did the cannibal order for take-out?                                            

 A:   Pizza, with everyone on it.

Q:   What do astronauts eat their food on?                                                    

 A:   Satellite Dishes.

Q:   What happens when you tell an egg a joke?                                           

 A:   It cracks up.

Q:   How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?                                                          

 A:   With a pumpkin patch.

Q:   What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?              

 A:   No thanks, I'm stuffed.

Q:   Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?                                              

 A:   Because it makes you break out!

Q:   What happened to the hamburger that missed too much school?    

 A:   He had to stay after school to ketchup.

Q:   What kind of cake do you get at a fast food restaurant?                   

 A:   A stomach cake.

A man walks into a doctor’s office.  He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.  “I don’t feel so good - what’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “you’re not eating properly.”

A ham and cheese sandwich and a banana walk into a bar.  The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A Zen buddhist walks into a pizza parlour and says, “Make me one with everything.”

A friend and I were standing in a line at the fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.  There was a big sign posted that read, “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” The woman in front of us, pointed to the sign and remarked, “Believe me, if I had a bill larger than a twenty, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

“Hey, I finally trained my dog not to beg at the table,” Sheila told her friend Judy. “Really, how did you do that,” Sheila asked? “Simple, I let him taste my cooking.”

The customer asked, “Do you serve crabs here?” “Yessir,” replied the waiter, “we’ll serve anybody here.”

Truck Driver: “Hi, is your name Jello?”                                                              Hitchhiker:    “Um, no, it’s Dave.”                                                                       Truck Driver: “Too bad...cause there’s always room for Jello!”

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things."   "First, why did you revolt?"   "Second, how did you get out of your cell?"   One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."  "I see.   And just what did you use to break the cell bars?," the warden asked.   Replied the spokesman for the prisoners, "The meat loaf."

Corey was furious when his steak arrived too rare.  "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"  "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.  "We hardly ever get compliments here.”

A friend got some vinegar in his ear and now he has pickled hearing.

Donovan was driving down a gravel grid road in his pickup truck when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him.   He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour.   Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.   Seeing it turn into a small farm's driveway, Donovan followed it.   To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs.   Looking around the small farm yard, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.   The farmer came out of his house, and Donovan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"   The farmer replied, "Yup. I bred 'em that way because the family just loves drumsticks."   Donovan was curious.   "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"   The farmer smiled. "Dunno. we haven't been able to catch one yet."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.   The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them out all over the table.   "What are you doing?" his mother asked.   "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.   "I'm looking for the seal."

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner.   As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping his mom bake some cupcakes.   After they had come out of the oven and had cooled, Mikey's mom allowed him to put the icing on the cupcakes while she visited with her brother-in-law.   When the boy had finished, he brought a plate of them to where his mom and uncle were chatting in the living room.   "The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said.   He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are the best cupcakes I ever ate."   As he finished a cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew.   "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey,"   "How did you get the icing so neat and smooth?"   His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."   The uncle turned a litle pale.   He pointed to the plate of cupcakes.   "You licked every one of them?"  Mikey replied, "Well no."   "After a while my tongue got tired, so I got Sparky and Fluffy to help!"

Waitress:   “Would you like to try a slice of Egyptian Pie for dessert?”  Customer:  “What's Egyptian pie”                                                                 Waitress:   “You know, the kind your mummy used to make!”

What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate too fast?

Stop goblin your food.

What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?

A box of quackers.

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?

Because he was on a roll.

Why did the student eat his homework?

The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

What did the hungry computer eat?

Chips, one byte at a time.

Why do fish avoid the computer?

So they don't get caught in the Internet.

What did the cannibal order for take-out?

Pizza with everyone on it.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the cheesecake.

I trained my dog not to beg at the table.How did you do that?

I let him taste my cooking.

What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich?

Launch meat.

What do cats call mice on skateboards?

"Meals on Wheels."

Why do you eat so fast?

I want to eat as much as possible before losing my appetite.

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

Close the door, I'm dressing!

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells.

Jack: Would you like some Egyptian Pie?

Jill: What's Egyptian pie?

Jack: You know, the kind mummy used to make.

The customer asked: "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Yessir," repplied the waiter. "We'll serve just about anybody."

What starts with "t" ends with "t" and is filled with "t"?

A teapot.

Why did the man eat at the bank?

He wanted to eat rich food.

What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night?


Why don't chickens play sports?

Because they hit fowl balls.

What has ears but can't hear a thing?

A cornfield.

How many naked women does it take to bake a cake?

Three, one to bake, one to mix, and one to pose.

Where does a bat eat his dinner?

On home plate, and he has a ball.

What's the worst thing about being an octopus?

Washing your hands before dinner.

What did one knife say to the other?

Look sharp!

Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?

Because it said 'concentrate.'

How does the man in the moon eat his food?

In satellite dishes.

Did you hear the joke about oatmeal?

It's a lot of mush.

Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals.”

“Why,” asked the Rabbi.

“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”

“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but you still haven’t told me why.”

“The food wasn’t kosher.”

“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the Rabbi.

“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”

“That makes it even worse,” said the now angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”

“What, on Yom Kippur?”

(#) Riddles

Q:  How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?

A:  It’s the one swimming around with the little carrot on its back.

Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea?

A:  Eateateat

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels"

Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?

A: Fillet minyan.

Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?

A: Matzarello

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?

A: "Is anything OK?"

Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?

A: They put them in the car.

Q: How do you prevent your bagels being stolen?

A: Put lox on them.


Sophia and Hannah are discussing the best ways to make their young sons finish their meals. Sophia says, "As an Italian mother, I put on a fierce look and say to Primo, ‘if you don’t finish your meal, I’m going to kill you.’ It works most of the time."

"Well, as a Jewish mother, I look mine Isaac in his eyes and say, ‘if you don’t eat the meal I’ve slaved over all day, I’m going to kill myself.’ It works every time."


Moishe goes into a restaurant and orders potato latke. When they arrive at his table, he does not like the look of them and changes his order to blintzes. Later, when he had finished, he gets up to leave.

"Wait a second," said the manager, "You haven't paid for your blintzes."

"What are you talking about?" Moishe replies. "Those blintzes were only an exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them."

"Yes, but you didn't pay for them either."

"Why should I pay for the potato latke? I didn't eat them."


My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.

"Shame on you boys," said Sadie. "If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, ‘let my brother have the first pancake’."

Nicky looked at Simon and said, "OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today."


Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away.

"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.

"I don't have to," Yossi replied.

"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"

"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."


It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching."  At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.

Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, "We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."


Some signs

On Cohen’s Pizza shop - "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop - "Buy my pizza. I knead the dough."


The Jewish Princess Recipe Book

Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . Reservations


One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself.

Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes his napkin and puts it on the table.

“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two meals?”

So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says, “I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat. Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you said yes.”

Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything 50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”

“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.

“The teeth.”


Eternal Jewish Foody Truths of Your Grandmother’s Talmud

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

If it tastes good, it’s probably not Kosher.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

Israel is the land of milk and honey; North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.

No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.

So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?

If you don’t eat, it will kill me.

Where there’s smoke, there may be smoke salmon.

Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

Before you read the menu, read the prices.


Maurice and Sadie are out eating in the ‘Bubbeh-Myseh’ restaurant. Whilst Maurice is eating his grilled steak and chips, the waiter comes over to him and asks, "Is everything OK, sir?"

"Well," replies Maurice, "I asked for my steak to be rare, and it was well done."

"Thank you sir," says the waiter, "we always aim to please."


Abbe Cohen goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abbe replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".

Next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".

The manager is now obsessed with seeing Abbe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a 6ft long French loaf. When Abbe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the 6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abbe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

Abbe replies "It wass goot as usual but I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!"


One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.

"Please Rabbi," he says, "I must have a drink of water. I'm so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more."

Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, "Don't you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!"

Morry is in tears, "Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can't take it anymore!"

But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says "Alright." He calls over the shammes, "give Morry a teaspoon of water."

The teaspoon of water is given to Morry who is now crazy with thirst.  "Please, please! I've got to have a real drink or I’ll die!" he cries.

Although he doesn’t really want to do it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water. Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief, looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, "Thank you Rabbi, I'll never eat a schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!"


Issy’s wife is unwell and so Issy is sitting in a restaurant on his own for a change. He spends a good deal of time looking at the menu and even when the waiter returns to take his order, Issy is still poring over the menu. The waiter clears his throat and asks, "Ahem, excuse me for asking, sir, but is there a problem with the menu?"

"No there isn’t," Issy replies. "It’s just that my wife Betty usually tells me what I am allowed to eat, and she’s not here."

"That's no problem," says the waiter, "the soup of the day is chicken soup with lokshen and to make it real tasty we add giblets and chicken fat. But…. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the tomato juice."

The waiter then continues. "Today’s special is potted flanken nosh-up. This is made with especially fatty meat to which we add potatoes and carrots and leave the whole caboodle in the oven for almost eight hours. We then serve it with home made challah bread for dipping into the gravy. But….. I’m sure your wife would want you to have the boiled chicken wings and rice."

On hearing this, Issy puts down the menu and says, "Nag nag, nag. That's all Betty ever does. I'm tired of her telling me what to do. I'll have the chicken soup and flanken nosh-up."


Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So, Jacob, you can congratulate me. Mine Suzy has just given birth to a beautiful nine pound baby boy."

Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded kind of way and says, "Nine pounds, eh? With or without bones?"


Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.

An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"

"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."

"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."

"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."

"Anything else?"

"Yes, a dozen blintzes."

"No. No. You mean crepes."

"Okay, a dozen crepes."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."

"No. No. You mean pate."

"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."

"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"


Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and choroses.

Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.


Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.

Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.

Abe requests a plate of strawberries.


"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."

"But they are out of season."

"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."


Did you hear about the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?


Simon is a lovely 5 year old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much naches. Their only worry is the fact that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope.

One day, at breakfast, Hannah realises that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start the day with such bitter tasting food.”

“Simon, bubeleh, you spoke,” cries Hannah, “you’ve just said your very first words.”

“Mazeltov, son,” says Maurice.”

Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already quite articulate.”

“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food I’ve been getting has always been excellent.”


Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon.

They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.

"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."


Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their Ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."

Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."

On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."

Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."

Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"

"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.

"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."


As 80year old Benny lay dying in his bedroom, he suddenly smells the aroma of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. They are his favourite. So he gathers his remaining strength, lifts himself from his bed and leaning against the wall, slowly makes his way out of the bedroom. Then, with great effort, he makes his way down the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. Finally, breathing hard, he leans against the kitchen doorframe and stares in.

"I’m already in heaven," he thinks, as there, spread out in front of him, are hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

"Am I really in heaven," has asks himself, "or is it an act of devotion from mine darling Rebecca to ensure that I exit from this world a happy man?"

Then with one final effort, Benny propels himself towards the cookies, but ends up on his knees near the table. His aged hand trembles as it makes its way to the cookie nearest the table edge, his mind already beginning to think about the wondrous taste that he will soon experience.

All of a sudden, Rebecca smacks his hand with her wooden spoon.

"Please don't touch them," she says, "they're for the Shiva."


Moishe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.

"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess asked Moishe.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


Shlomo walks into ‘Harry Kosher Butchers’, goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear that you’re something of a betting man."

"Yes," replies Harry.

"Well," says Shlomo, "You’re a tall man, so I bet you £50 that you can't reach those pieces of meat hanging on those hooks up on that wall."

"I'm not taking your bet," says Harry.

"Why not?" says Shlomo, "I thought you were a betting man."

"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are too high!"


Issy wanted something extra special and memorable for his son Paul’s Barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised him a great surprise on the night.

“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry. It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about it for years to come.”

“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.

The night of Paul’s Barmitzvah party arrived. As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped liver.

From all over the hall could be heard gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.

At the end of the affair, Issy met with the caterer to settle the bill.

"This was indeed a very special night for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew? Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," said the caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion."


Shlomo asks his wife, "Where shall we go to celebrate our anniversary, darling?"

Sarah replies, "Somewhere I have never been!"

So Shlomo says, "How about the kitchen, then?"


A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe.

"Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded.  "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday."

Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."


Isaac was sitting at a table in his favourite restaurant when he called over his waiter.

"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.

"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Isaac.

"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.

"Because I was expecting a much older man by now," replied Isaac.


A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.

By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy a wheel."

"Wheel?" says Moishe. "We don't have wheels here."

"Then what are those things in the window?"

"Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels."

"Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?"

"We eat them," says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.

The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!"


Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I’m appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."


Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak came to visit her in London. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them to an old-fashioned Kosher restaurant in Hendon.

"I'll have the kreplach," Rachel told the waiter.

"The kreplach is from last night," explained the waiter. "Better you should order something made fresh today. How about stuffed peppers?"

"OK, let it be stuffed peppers."

The waiter turns to Aunt Leah.

"And you?"

"Bring please the pot roast."

"Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly for goyim. If you want something special, try the flanken."

"All right then, so bring the flanken."

Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully then said to the waiter, "I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?"

"Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions?"


Mordechai and his wife Ruth go to Peeler’s Kosher Restaurant in Manchester and order steak and chips. They are served with fantastically tasty, giant sirloin steaks which they think are the best they’ve had for years. They are so excited about their meal that they tell their friends Abe and Rifka about it. Abe doesn’t believe any meal could be that good, so all four decide to go to Peeler’s next weekend to check it out. When they get there, they all order sirloin steak and chips. However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brings them very small steaks. Mordechai asks to see the manager.

"I’m very upset with our meals," he says to the manager. "My wife and I were in this restaurant only last week and you served us big juicy steaks. Today, however, just when I've bought my best friends with us, you serve us such small ones."

"Yes, sir, I know," replies the manager.  "But last week you were sitting by the window."


Sadie was taking her seven year old daughter Sarah and her friend Rifka to Hebrew classes one Sunday morning and was embarrassed to hear this conversation between them.

Sarah said to Rifka, "Our family is kosher"

Rifka asked, "What's kosher?"

Sarah replied, "That's when you can't have cheese with your ham sandwich!!"


One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe.

He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed a bone."

"Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe.

"No, dem it - I’m being serious."


Aharon asks his friend Monty, "Tell me, Monty, you’re a clever guy. This has been puzzling me for years. Why do we call noodles ‘noodles’?"

"Well," says Monty, "it’s simple, really. They’re soft like noodles, aren’t they? They’re also long like noodles, aren’t they? And they certainly taste like noodles, don’t they? So why shouldn’t we call them noodles?"


 “How much are the bagels?”

“40p for two.”

“How much for one?”


“Then I’ll take the other one.”


Issy is on another of his weight reduction diets and goes to see his doctor with a hamishe cucumber up his nose, a bagel shoved in his right ear and a wine glass sticking out of his left ear.

Issy says, "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well."

The doctor replied, "It’s no wonder - you're not eating right."

Q: What is black; white; green and bumpy?

A: A pickle wearing a tuxedo.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

A: Nacho cheese!

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A: Sanka!

Q: What's the best thing to put into a pie?

A: Your teeth!

Q: Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?

A: Then why aren't you laughing!

Q: Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?

A: I'm not telling you. You might spread it!

Q: Why do the French like to eat snails?

A: Because they don't like fast food!

Q: Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea?

A: To go with the jellyfish!

Q: Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke?

A: Because it might crack up!

Q: What did the baby corn say to it's mom?

A: Where is pop corn?

Q: What do you call candy that was stolen?

A: Hot chocolate!

Q: What kind of nuts always seems to have a cold?

A: Cashews!

Q: Waiter, will my pizza be long?

A: No sir, it will be round!

Q: What is green and sings?

A: Elvis Parsley

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?

A: Because it wasn't peeling well!

Q: What is green and brown and crawls through the grass?

A: A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.

Q: What is white, has a horn, and gives milk?

A: A dairy truck!

Q: What candy do you eat on the playground?

A: Recess pieces.

Q: Why don't you starve in a desert?

A: Because of all the 'sand which is' there.

Q: How do you make a walnut laugh?

A: Crack it up!

Q: In which school do you learn to make ice cream?

A: Sunday School.

Q: What do elves make sandwiches with?

A: Shortbread

Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?

A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

Q: What is a pretzel's favorite dance?

A: The Twist!

Q: What are twins favorite fruit?

A: Pears!

Q: If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?

A: Slippers!

Q: What do you give to a sick lemon?

A: Lemon aid!

Q: Why did the lady love to drink hot chocolate?

A: Because she was a cocoanut!

Q: How do you make a milk shake?

A: Give it a good scare!

Q: What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?

A: An astronut!

Q: What kind of keys to kids like to carry?

A: Cookies!

Q: Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?

A: Because it makes you break out!

Q: What cheese is made backwards?

A: Edam.

"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin

"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben

About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

How to Annoy Your Waiter:

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.


Once going the Northern Circuit as judge, before he had the Great Seal, Sir Nicholas Bacon was about to pass sentence on a thief convicted before him, when the prisoner, after various pleas had been overruled, asked for mercy on account of kindred.

- “Prithee,” said Judge Bacon, “how comes this about?”

- “Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog, and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred that they are not to be separated.”

- “Ay, but,” replied the judge, “you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged.”


“How much corn can a man eat?” asked A, while the cobs on his plate lay in tiers.

“I would say,” answered Z, as he glanced at the heap, “it depends on the length of his ears.”


Surely at most restaurants the term waiters should be transferred from the table attendant to the guests on whom they attend.


Why is a badly-conducted hotel like a fiddle?

Answer: Because it’s a vile inn.


A friend who dines at the different restaurants announces the discovery that in these places tender meat is always rare.


A man asked another, whom he was about to help with some chicken, whether he wished the leg, the breast, or the wing, “It is a matter of perfect indifference to me,” said the other. “And infinitely more so to me,” replied the carver, laying down the knife and fork, and resuming his own dinner.


A Man having lunch at a chic New York Hotel with a vigorous thrust stuck a large three-pronged dining fork into his own mouth. He was not materially injured, there being a piece of cold roast lamb on the end of the weapon.


The new teacher asked the following question to the class:

“John had five oranges. James gave him eleven and he gave Peter seven. How many did he have left?”

The entire class recoiled upon hearing the teacher’s question.

“Excuse me, sir, ” said a young boy, “but we always does our sums in apples.”


– “Why is it,” asked a curious guest, “that poor men usually give larger tips than rich men?”

– “Very simple,” said the waiter, “the poor man doesn’t want anybody to find out he’s poor, and the rich man doesn’t want anybody to find out he’s rich.”


What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry?

Answer: Look at the JAM you’ve gotten us into!


Alexander Dumas happened to be in Switzerland at a roadside inn, where German alone was spoken, and he did all he could to impart to the master of the establishment that he wished to have some mushrooms. Finding that he could not make himself understood by language, he took up a piece of charcoal, and traced on the wall a likeness of the article which he wanted. The innkeeper, on seeing the representation, seemed quite pleased, and gave unmistakable signs of believing he comprehended. “At last!” exclaimed Dumas, “and not without difficulty! It is well, anyhow, to be a man of invention, or otherwise I shouldn’t have got my dish of mushrooms. Here comes the host; I hear him returning.” And so he did, holding in his hand — an umbrella!


Way back in the 18th century, three men, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman were found guilty of murder, and sentenced to be hanged. The judge told them they might each choose the tree on which they would like to suffer capital punishment.

The Scotchman promptly chose an ash-tree, and the Englishman an oak-tree.

   ”Well, Pat, what will you be hanged on?” asked the judge.

   ”If it pleases your Honour, I’d rather be hanged on a gooseberry bush.”

   ”Oh!” said the judge, “that is not big enough.”

   ”Then,” replied Pat, “I’ll wait till it is grown up.”


Appropriate answers when a customer complains “There is a fly in my soup.”

- Ssh! Everybody will want one!

- What do you expect for a dollar – elephants?

- Wait until you see the coffee.

- That’s all right. How much can a fly drink?

- Force of habit, Sir, Our chef used to be a tailor.


Why should no man starve on the deserts of Arabia?

Because of the sand which is there.

How did the sandwiches get there?

The tribe of Ham was bred there, and mustered.


The milk of human kindness is not to be found in the pail of society. If it were to be found there, it would be a good idea for all hands to kick the bucket.


- “Mother, is there any harm in breaking egg shells?”

- “Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?”

- “Cause I’ve just dropped the basket and the kitchen floor is yellow with yolk.”


A stupid person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, “So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the greatest delicacies.”—”Why not,” replied the other, “do you think Providence intended all the good things for fools?”


“He Dined late and Died early.”


When some one said of a gentleman, “Don’t speak so hard of him, he lives on your good graces,” Lady Ashburton remarked, “That accounts for him being so thin.”


Hicks was in Court at Bodmin Assizes, when a Mr Bickle was tried for a breach of promise of marriage to a Miss Salter. A certain eminent counsel who was engaged in the suit, threw across the table to Hicks these lines on a slip of paper—


          ”Oh! Mr Bickle

          You’re in a pickle

          For being fickle!”


Hicks threw back the paper with this answer—


          ”Tis true he did falter

          In going to the altar,

          But he’s not in a pickle,

          For he did not get Salter.”


Having been caught stealing fruit in the King’s orchard, two thieves were brought before the King, who readily asked the first of the two:

- “What did you steal?”

- “Cherries, your highness.”

- “Very well, as punishment you shall have all the cherries you stole inserted into your

    anus, one by one.”

Upon hearing the sentence, the second thief burst into laughter. The King immediately order him to stop laughing and asked:

- “Why were you laughing?”

- “Your highness, I stole watermelons.”


A man asked another man to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes with him. “That I will,” says the other; “and it’s rather odd it should be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, barring the beef.”


Falconnet, a very celebrated doctor, was called on by a patient who imagined herself ill. She told him that she ate well, drank and slept well, but “I see,” said the wily physician;

“I am going to give you a prescription that will rid you of all these ills.”


“Garçon, your turbot is not so good as last Sunday.”

“Oh! Monsieur; how can you say so; it is the same one!”

At the same restaurant, the waiter brings a plate of fish to a customer, and at the same time a chop to another at the table in front.

First customer: “See here, Garçon, your fish smells.”

The waiter: “Beg your pardon, sir, it is the gentleman’s chop!”


At a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, “Mr. ——!” There was silence. “Mr. ——, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?*” After the usual number of guesses an answer came, “Anne Chovy.”

* John Dory, also known as St Pierre or Peter’s Fish, refers to fish of the genus Zeus, especially Zeus faber, of widespread distribution. It is an edible benthic coastal marine fish with a laterally compressed olive-yellow body which has a large dark spot, and long spines on the dorsal fin.


At the table of a gentleman living in the Chaussee-d’Antin was served up an Aries sausage of an enormous size. —”Will you accept a slice?” the host asked a lady who was sitting next him; “you see it has come from the right factory.”

—” It is really very large,” said the lady, casting on it a roguish glance; “what a pity it is unlike anything.”


Little Jeanne was at lunch. There were two cakes on the plate. She had already disposed of one, and was making ready to finish the second, when her little brother stopped her, saying:

— “You know, there is one for me.” Jeanne hesitated a moment, then exclaimed:

— “How sorry I am; I began with yours.”


At a provincial table d’hote the maid brought the soup; one of the habitues, finding some of the cook’s hair on his plate, turned to the hotelkeeper and cried out:

— “If I were you, I would have the hair served on a separate plate. Those that care for it might then help themselves.”


“You know, Johnny, you cannot have your cake and eat it too.”

“But, mother, how can I eat it unless I have it?”


— “You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?”

— “I don’t know, what does he weigh?”

— “Meat.”


A millionaire who had lost his appetite through satiety and indulgence, once met a poor man who said to him: “Sir, I’m dying of hunger.”

“You lucky scoundrel,” was the millionaire’s reply.


What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

Answer: “You expect me to get hard in five minutes when I got laid an hour ago!”

Fly Soup

Mr. Andrew took his boy to a restaurant last week to get a bowl of soup. Brenden began to eat it, and he grabbed his father by the coat and said, “papa, there’s fly in the soup.” Papa said, “eat the soup and wait till you come down to the fly, tell the waiter and he’ll give you another bowl for nothing.”

Bread And Butter

A good mother was careful to have her little boy repeat every night before retiring, the Lord’s prayer. Several times she noticed that the child made a stop, and muttered to himself, after the words: “Give us this day our daily bread.” So, one night when the usual pause was made, she said: “Why, dear, do you stop in your prayer?” “Well, mother, I just asked the Lord to put a little butter on the bread!”


Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the other a cheesemonger’s, when they had risen up and took their departure, the cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her jacket, and stepping before her, said: “No, madam, nothing comes after cheese.”


A milk dealer of the suburbs of Paris brought to a lady customer, the usual morning can. Looking into it the lady was annoyed to find nothing but water. “It is water you have given me,” she cried. The milkman stopped to verify the fact, and remarked coolly: “Oh! my! they forgot to put the milk in it.”


Once upon a time, somewhere in the middle of Rome, a prominent lawyer was having a secret affair with his secretary. One day the secretary announced that she was pregnant. The lawyer explained that being a married man with a successful law firm he couldn’t possible afford a scandal. He added that the best way out was for the secretary to leave town. He would then support financially both the secretary and the newborn. He told the secretary that she should send him a postcard the day the baby was born. In order no to raise suspicion, she should write the word “spaghetti” on the postcard.

A few months went by. One fine day the lawyer receives at his home a postcard from the secretary. The lawyer reads the postcard, feels terribly sick, and falls to the ground. Immediately, the lawyer’s wife calls the doctor, who inquires about the possible reasons for the illness. The lawyer’s wife explains that her husband fell sick after reading a postcard. She hands the postcard to the doctor. The postcard read:

“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, three with meatballs and sausage, and two with clams.”


At a fancy restaurant a businessman is brought a whole broiled lobster minus one claw. The businessman calls over the waiter and says:

— “What do you mean by serving me with a mutilated lobster?”

— “Excuse me, but ah didn’t think you’d mind a little thing like dat. These lobsters got to fighting in the basket and this one lost his claw,” said the waiter.

— “Take this lobster out immediately,” replied the businessman, “and bring me the winner!”


    ”What is this tough rubbery stuff?” the diner asked, when the second course of the dinner was served.

    ”That’s a filet of sole, sir,” replied the waiter.

    ”Take it away,” said the diner, after attacking it with a fork, “and see if you can’t get me a nice tender piece of the upper… without laces.”


A prankster farmer played a trick on one of his chickens. Surreptitiously, he stole one of the chicken’s eggs, painted it in different colors, and put it back underneath the chicken. The chicken didn’t seem to mind. She sat on the painted egg as if nothing had happened. The farmer shrugged and walked away. A little while later, the farmer saw commotion on a far corner of the chicken coop. It was the rooster beating up the peacock.

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?

A: Because it was out of juice!


Q: Where did the spaghetti go to the dance?

A: The meat ball!


Q: What kind of drink never runs out?

A: Infini-tea!


Q: What is the type of cheese that does not belong to you?

A: Na-cho Cheese (not your cheese)


Q: Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

A: He needed some spare ribs!


Q: What is a pirate’s favorite cookie?

A: Chips AHOY!


Q: Why do French people eat snails?

A: Because they don’t like fast food!


Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital?

A: Because he was not peeling very well!

Why is a tomato round and red?

Because if it was long and green it would be a cucumber!

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it round the kitchen!

What did one tomato say to the other?

You go on ahead and I’ll ketchup!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

What’s worse than finding a slug in your apple?

Finding half a slug in your apple!

What did baby corn say to mommy corn?

Where's popcorn?

What colour is a hiccup?


How do you divide 20 potatoes among 6 people?

Boil them and mash them!

Are hamburgers male?

Yes, because they're boygers, not girlgers!

At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest?

Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips!

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?

Only if they have a very frank relationship!

Can you name two burgers who are royalty?

Sir Loin and Burger King!

Can you use the word 'tenderloin' in a sentence?

Burgers 'tenderloin' faster than pizzas or hot dogs!

Do hamburgers make good vampires?

No, because they always find themselves in ghoulash situations!

Do they really serve burgers in Transylvania?

Very rare-ly.

How are UFO's related to hamburgers?

Both are Unidentified Frying Objects!

How can you tell which Burger Land baseball pitchers are left-handed?

They're the one's wearing the left-handed 'meats'!

How did the jury find the hamburger?

Grill-ty as charred!


Content Management System