FBI jokes

Funny jokes about FBI

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

 

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the

men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

 

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter

what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your

wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!"

 

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my

wife"

 

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

 

Take your wife and go home."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the

gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't

kill my wife ."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife

and go home."

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same

instructions, to kill her husband.

 

She took the gun and went into the room.

 

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,

crashing,

banging on the walls.

 

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman.

 

 

She wiped the sweat from her brow.

 

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.

 

I had to beat him to death with the f*cking chair."

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

 

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

 

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

 

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

 

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.

 

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

 

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