Elephant jokes

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

A: An elephant is grey.

Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)

Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

A: Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?

A: Squash

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

Q:           How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?

A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?

A: The door won't close.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?

A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

A: By the footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?

A: Wet.

Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?

A: One by one.

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?

A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?

A: No, of course not.

Q: Why do elephants live in herds?

A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system"

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?

A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?

A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: There's a VW parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?

A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?

A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?

A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?

A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?

A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?

A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?

A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?

A: They were stuck in the VW.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?

A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?

A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?

A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?

A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?

A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: From stamping out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From stamping out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?

A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Why are frogs so short?

A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..")

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?

A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?

A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?

A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?

A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?

A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?

A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?

A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?

A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.

Why did the elephant cross the road?

The chicken couldn't be bothered!

What is big, grey and has a lot of red bumps?

An elephant that was stung by a lot of bees!

How do you know an elephant is under your blanket?

Because when you get in your bed your nose touches the ceiling.

Why did the elephant stay on the marshmallow?

Because she didn't want to fall in the cocoa.

What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck!

Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?

So she could hide in a bowl of cherries.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants?

"Look, a herd of elephants!"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?

Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What do you get when an elephant skydives?

A big hole.

What's big and grey with horns?

An elephant marching band!

What do you call an elephant on the road?

A speed bump.

How does a elephant get out of a tree?

He climbs on a leaf and waits till autumn!

What do you get when you cross a dog, a goat and an elephant?

A dogophant.

What goes down but never goes up?

An elephant in an elevator.

What is yellow on the outside and gray on the inside?

An elephant that's dressed up in a banana skin.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Because they would look funny with a suitcase.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?

Nothing, he just let out a little wine.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a parrot?

An animal that tells you everything it remembers!

There were two elephants under one umbrella, why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining.

Why do elephants have wrinkles?

Ever tried to iron an elephant?

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

How do you fit four elephants in a red mini?

Two in the front and two in the back.

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

There are footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?

You can hear them talking.

How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge?

You can't close the door.

How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?

There's a red mini in your driveway.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?

Great big holes all over Australia.

What do a tree and an elephant have in common?

A trunk.

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?

Grapes are purple.

How do you hunt for elephants?

Hide in a bush and make a noise like a peanut.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?

Time to get a new fence!

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open the door and put it in.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have large feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks!

Why doesn't the elephant use the computer?

Because it is afraid of the mouse!

What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?

He called a tow truck.

What time is it when an elephant sits in a chair?

Time to buy a new chair!

What do a car, tree and an elephant have in common?

They all have trunks!

Why do elephants have trunks?

They'd look pretty stupid with glove compartments.

Why did the elephant float down the river on his back?

So he wouldn't get his tennis shoes wet.

What is the same size as a elephant, yet weighs nothing?

An elephant's shadow!

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?

Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin!

Jokes

Peter: Mother, why is a snail stronger than an elephant?

Mother: I don't know.

Peter: Because a snail can carry its own home, but an elephant can only carry its own trunk.

Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.

Zoo keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants know how to ride a bicycle.

Down in the south where coconuts grow, an elephant stepped on a mosquito's toe. The mosquito jumped up with tears in his eyes and said, "Excuse me but you're not my size."

An elephant asked an ant, "Please hide me." So the ant replied, "Hide behind me."

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

in the distance?

Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

An elephant is grey.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

What game do four elephants in a mini play?

Squash

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

How do you get an elephant out of the water?

Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?

One by one.

Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?

So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?

No, of course not.

Why do elephants live in herds?

To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

What do you do when an elefant comes through the window?

Swim for it...

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Lots of room!

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheeps don't come with a string.

[1]

There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning

at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on

the roads.

When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered

that it was elephant powder.

The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants

in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"

==

[2]

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided

to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.  The game was going well with

the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained

posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal

when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant

trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing?

Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just

trying to trip him up."

==

[3]

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know

why.  Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it.  He'd never seen an elephant

jump with all 4 feet off the ground.  So he started a contest: entry was

$10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet

off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.

Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine.  He's carrying a

baseball bat.  He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches

the elephants balls pretty badly.  Needless to say, the elephant jumps,

and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize,

so he ran another contest.  He'd never seen an elephant swing its head

back and forth as if to say, "no."  Same deal as before: $10 per entry,

$50,000 prize.  Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat,

and walks up to the elephant.  He says, "Remember me?" 

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

==

[4]

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere.  Not

too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good

gimmick to get people to come.  It so happened he was watching T.V. at

the time and the parade for the circus was on.  As the elephants went

by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.

He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant.  It

just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus

was planning to retire.  After agreeing on a price, the man bought the

elephant.

Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading:

"Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and

soon the jar was almost full.

Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you

will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."

"Yeah, he's out back"

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could

be heard coming from behind the bar.  Every one in the bar raced back

to see what was going on.  When they got there the elephant was

LAUGHING!!!  The man could not believe his eyes.  But, a bet was a

bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant

laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing.  The bar owner

could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:

"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the

elephant to stop laughing.  Finally the man who had gotten the

elephant to laugh in the first place walked in.  Upon seeing

the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the

elephant from laughing.  Seeings as no one had, he once more went

back behind the bar to see the elephant.

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar.  All

the patrons ran out to see what was up.  The elephant had huge tears

running down its cheeks.  Once again a bet was a bet and the bar

owner paid the man.  Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked

how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick

was bigger than his.  And now I just proved it."

==

[5]

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this particular

procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.

After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the

table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly

disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't

believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,

but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

==

[6]

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot.

She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by.  So the elephant says,

"Help me, help me."

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his

wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.

Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the

whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the

tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: "Ouch!"

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"

- similar joke below -

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly

kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.

"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.

"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't

hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck

an elephant."

"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees

above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to

masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the

elephant on the head.

"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

==

[7]

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all

of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below.  When she landed,

she say this yellow frog.  Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he

was crying.

"Sniff.  None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games.

Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic

wand, the frog turned green.  All happy now, the frog was checking himself

over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow.  He asked an embarrassed

witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just

couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.  So

happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.

Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies,

and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort.

So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.  The witch

asked him why he was crying.

"Sniff.  None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant

games.  Boo hoo."

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic

looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking,

and that is just how the witch felt.  So once again, she waved her magic

wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed

that his penis was still pink.  He asked an embarrassed witch about this,

and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but

if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing.  "I don't know where the

wizard is", he sobbed.

"Oh that's easy.  Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.

And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The

elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,

so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming

of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck

in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to

save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.

The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws

a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself

and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant

is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that

he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be

in mortal danger).

As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'

the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over

and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the

elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too

small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the

elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.

As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.

Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs

out to safety.

Moral of the story:

"If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."

==

[12]

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off

and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the

elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it

and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That son is the tail."

"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"

A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied

with her answer asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.

"No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."

"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephants penis.  Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

==

[13]

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant

                 or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant

The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari

The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and

                     culture

                 or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants

The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants

The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money

The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People

The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant

The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went

                     With His Elephants

The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

==

[14]

Hickory Dickory Dock,

An elephant ran up the clock,

The clock is being repaired.

==

[15]

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of

marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

==

[16]

Don't call an elephant, he may come!

==

[17]

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.  Next morning the ant

wakes up and the elephant is dead.  "Damn", says the ant, "one night

of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

==

[18]

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest

animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of

bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.  Madam, please don't

stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the

elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late;  George, dig her out.

==

[19]

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.

It's done on a very high level.

There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.

And it takes two years to get any results.

==

[20]

It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make

piano keys!

Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?

==

[21]

There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great

   (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey

and roared at him:

  "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

And this poor quaking little monkey replied:

  "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:

  "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"

The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:

  "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly

munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:

  "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams

him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a

blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a

nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:

  "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have

   to get so pissed."

==

[22]

A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband

thinks he's a magician."

"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.

"We're being sued.  A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk

and sawed it in half."

"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.

"No, the circus," the woman replied.  "The elephant bled to death."

==

[23]

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment

  somewhere.

(Faux Steven Wright Joke by Rod Schmidt)

==

[24]

An Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.

==

[25]

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

==

[26]

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.

==

[27]

Deep Thoughts

By Jack Handey

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world

is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding

on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

==

[28]

Telephone Joke:

 "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are

 experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow

 us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

 The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is

 bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."

==

[29]

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

  -- Zisla

==

[30]

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...

  -- General Sedgwick's last words

==

[31]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Elephants.

Elephants who?

Ella Fintzgerald!

==

[32]

In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter

rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator) set

each of them a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching or

snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise and

astound the elephant.

Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye

slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the

trunk, into the esophegus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, and

a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'

The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was

truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the

trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract.

When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's

rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'

==

[33]

As any physicist, engineer, mathematician etc.. will tell you,

an Elephant crossed with a Rhinocerous gives |Elephant||Rhinocerous| Sin(theta)!

==

1. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

 

2. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

in the distance?

Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

 

3. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

 

4. What is the difference between en elephant and a  plum?

An elephant is grey.

 

5. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look! A herd of  plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

 

6. How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

 

7. What game do four elephants in a mini play?

Squash

 

8. How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

 

9. How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

 

10. How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

11. How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

 

12. How do you get an elephant out of the water?

Wet.

 

13. How do you get two elephants out of the water?

One by one.

 

14. Why do elephants live in herds?

To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

 

15. How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

 

16. What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?

Swim for it...

 

17. What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea.

 

18. What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Lots of room!

 

19. Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant

                     or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant

The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari

The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and

                     culture

                     or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants

The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants

The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money

The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People

The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.

The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant

The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went

                     With His Elephants

The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

 

20. Hickory Dickory Dock,

An elephant ran up the clock,

The clock is being repaired.

 

21. ELETELEPHONY

once there was an elephant

who tried to be a telephant;

no no, I mean an elephone

who tried to be a telephone.

(Dear me I am not certain quite

that even now i've got it right)

how e'r it was he got his trunk

entangled in the telephunk

the more he tried to get it free,

the louder buzzed the telephee.

(i fear i'd better quit this song

of elehop and telephong.) 

 

22. Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,

   grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

 

23. Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?

A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

 

24. Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

 

25. Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?

A: An inside out elephant.

 

26. Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?

A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

 

27. Q: What is grey and not there.

A: No elephants.

 

28. Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

 

29. Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,

   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 

30. Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,

   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb?

Elephant jokes are a very special type of joke. They've been developing for years, but they're still at an underground cult following level. Here is your introduction to the marvelous world of elephant jokes.

The secret in elephant jokes is- they don't make any sense. And they don't have to, they're just funny. Elephants in general are a fairly funny sort of animal, aren't they? So, putting elephants in odd situations usually grant a smile or two. The key is usually the punchline, like every good joke. The most important thing is, though, when telling elephant jokes, always keep a straight face. That's the make-or-break point of elephant jokes.

 

Why is an elephant large, gray and squarish?

Because if it was tiny, round and oval, it would've been a Tylenol tablet.

This one displays all the signs of a classical elephant joke- it's got the word elephant right up front, and the answer makes logical sense, but it's not the type of answer to this type of question. More examples:

Why do elephants wear flat, green hats?

So that they can walk on a billiard (pool) table without being seen.

Why did an elephant wear a baseball cap and shorts?

So that when he gets on the bus he can pay a child's fare.

This is a type 1 elephant joke- it's got elephant in the joke line, and the punch line is just silly. Then there's the type 2 elephant joke:

What's big, gray, has a trunk, and is in Alaska?

An elephant who lost his map.

This type-2 jokes do not have elephant in the question. It follows a very specific mechanism- it clearly describes an elephant, but adds a tiny twist to make the whole thing funny. Take a look at these:

What's big, gray, and goes up and down and up and down? An elephant in an elevator.

What's big, gray and has 2 trunks, 6 legs and 3 ears? An elephant with spare parts.

These ones are pretty cool. Finally, there are the coolest ones- the series.

 

Elephant joke series hit you hard and don't stop rolling

Here's one of my favorites:

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with the blue-elephants gun.

How do you kill a red elephant? You choke it until it's blue, then you shoot it with the blue-elephants gun.

How do you kill a yellow elephant? You make it run until it's red, then you choke it until it's blue, then you shoot it with the blue-elephants gun.

When telling these, it's important to give the listeners some time to consider the question and try to come up with their own answer. Usually, they won't be able to, and the real answer will be all the more funny.

That's all for now. Try to create your own elephant jokes, or research them. On the next party you attend, bomb your friends with a ton of elephant jokes and become more popular than you've ever been. Join the underground elephant jokers and help push them into the mainstream!

We'll end with one more series of elephant jokes:

How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?

Open the door,

Put the elephant in,

Close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge in 4 steps?

Open the door,

Take the elephant out,

Put the giraffe in,

Close the door.

The lion called a big conference in the jungle. Which animal didn't show up?

The giraffe, it's in the fridge.

There's a giant river where lots of crocodiles and alligators live. There aren't any trees around or anything like that, and you don't have a boat. How would you get across?

Just swim, the crocodiles and alligators are all at the big jungle conference right now.

Content Management System