Drug jokes

Drug jokes

I tell my kids, If you're gonna take drugs, REPLACE THEM" 

Q: What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control pills?
A: A trip without the kids

Q: How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room starts spinning

My doctor told me to stay away from methamphetamine. So I bought a fifteen-foot straw.

Every story you tell begins with, "We were really high and..."

--You buy your Visine (eye-drops) at a wholesale club

--The High Times centerfold turns you on

--Every vacation you wind up in Amsterdam or Jamaica

All you want to do is drink & smoke & eat & smoke & chill & smoke

Your too phoned to stone home

You can ask for weed in other languages

--The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but you don't mind being wasted

Your motto in life is "Why ask Why? Just Get High"

--You call people you don't even like to hang out with, just because you know they've got buds

--You roll your blunts fatter than your 40oz

--You begin hearing knocks at the door and CD skips that aren't there

--You find yourself in the kitchen eating everything but Spam...then you eat the Spam


When you have to hold onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth

We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5
milligrams of Valium.

A young housewife asked her friend, "What is that you're taking --The pill?" 
"No it's a tranquilizer. I forgot to take the pill."

Hypochondriac: Someone who takes different pills than you do

Costrophobia--Fear of rising drug prices!

Modern day prescription--take one pill as often as you can afford it.
Scene: Inside a car. Two characters, B and N, are driving back from an adventure at the local goodwill. N is still wearing her schoolgirl skirt, presumably from their usual Saturday morning role playing. B is dressed like a college professor, wearing jeans, a blazer, and leather shoes.

As they approach the stoplight, they notice that they will be next to a police car.

B: Police! Act natural. Do not make eye contact. (in an exaggerated tone)

N: What am I supposed to do with this beer?! (camera pans out to show that she just popped open a cold one in the passenger seat.

Image in N’s head: lots of people surrounding her shouting “Chug chug!” as they pump their fists in the air. She starts to play along as if she’s going to chug. She does a little fake out for a few fist pumpers then practically eats the bottle as she chugs the beer. 

She snaps back to reality. 

N—thinking: Act natural. Do what you always do.

N pulls out a blunt and puts it up to her mouth. 

B (panicked): What are you doing?! 

N (confused): What? I’m acting natural.

B: Put that away!

N rolls her eyes and puts the blunt in the glove compartment before reaching under the seat to grab the heroin supplies. 

She manages to tie the band around her arm and is holding the needle in her teeth before B notices.

B shrieks a little while attempting to look like everything is normal to the cop sitting at the light next to them. He pushes hard on the gas as they speed off from the light.

"I love drug jokes,they crack me up"

"Call me herion because everything I talk is dope"

Santa on Trial

You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:

Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole

Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go

Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees

You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year

Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly

Failing to file a flight plan for your travels

Failing to equip your more...

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes

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