Car salesman jokes
Car salesman jokes
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,
"Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"
A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly
dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
"Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've
been doing it ever since I got out of school, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a salesman too! What dealership are you with?"
Two salesmen were traveling through northern Wisconsin one Feb. and it started to snow. Harder and harder till they came to a complete stop. One said "Hey there is a light on the hill. Must be a farm house, lets get up there and see if we can sleep in the barn rather than this cold car." After the widow lady answered the door bell and they explained their problem she said "Well gentlemen, you don't have to sleep in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here. Please come in and I will make some warm dinner for you." They did and then watched some TV and all went to bed. The next morning the roads had been cleared and they thanked the widow and left.
About 9 months later one salesman got a registered letter from the law offices of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe in Madison Wisconsin. After he read the letter he immediately called his associate and said, "Hey Jim, do you remember when we got stuck in the snow last winter in Wisconsin?" Sure replied Jim. "Well, tell me something, did you by any chance sneak into the widows bedroom that night?" "Well!" replied the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. But why do you ask?""Tell me something else, first," he replied "did you by any chance use my name?" "Well," said the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. After all you are single and always sleeping around and I'm married and can't so I figured it was safer that way. Why? what happened? Why are you asking these questions?"
"Well" the first salesman said, "It seems she died and left me the farm!"
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."
What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?
Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying.
A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Always Under Diagnostic Inspection
Always Upside-down, Double Interest
Another Understated Dealer Incentive
A Used Dodge Incognito
Bob Marley and the Wailers
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Beautiful Models Wanted
Bavarian Manure Wagon
Biggest Metal Waste
Big Money Works
Bring My Wallet
Burn My Wallet
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Bring More Women
Bring More Wrenches
Bavarian Money Waster
Bring My Wad!
Blew My Wad!
Big Money Wasted
Bring Money Where?
Buy More Women
But Mom, Why?
Big Manufactured Waste
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer
Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions
Company Asking Dealers If Local Lawyers Are Calling
Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time
Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time
Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time
Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time
Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattling Oil Leaking Everywhere Truck
Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time
Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean?
Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet
Crap Hasn't Evolved Yet
Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for:
I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair (From James Bragg)
Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery
Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions
PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name)
Costly Ordinary Repairs, Very Expensive Transmissions Tires Etc (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations
Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally
Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
Doesn't only die, gets eaten
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Design Of Diabolical German Engineer
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere
Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive
Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)
Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine
Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone
Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively
Found In A Trashcan
Fantastic In A Tightspot
Finest Italian Automotive Technology
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation
Failure In Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
Fix It Another Time
Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers (I worked on this one for 2 hours! - Jeff)
Firestone Overstates Reliability Data (The best one I've come up with yet, my personal fav.- Jeff)
Aspire: A Swift Punt In Rear End
PINTO: Please, It's Not Too Odious!
PINTO: Pyrotechnics Inevitable; No Timer Onboard
PINTO: Put In New Transmission Often
Ford Pinto: Flaming Oven Roasted Driver-Passengers Incinerated Nine Times Over (Sent in by Laurin)
THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)
MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes
Found on repairman's doorstep
Found on rack daily
Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
Full Of Rust Deposits
Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable
F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER
Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us
F**ker Only Rolls Downhill
Fancy Oil Recycling Device
Found On Rubbish Dump
F***ed Over Road Disaster!
F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em
F**king Obese Road Disasters
F**king Old Retarded Dudes
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation
F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge
For Old Retired Drunks
Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family
First On Recall Day
Fast On Race Day
For Off Road Driving
Fireball On Rear Damage
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven
Fault Of R & D
MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage
F***ed On Raw Deal
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron's DNA
Flip Over, Read Directions
Fork Over Remaining Dough
F**king Owners Really Dumb
F***ed On Race Day
(F)illped (O)ver (R)esevation (D)ecoration
(F)**ked (O)ver (R)ebuilt (D)iahatsu
For Old Retired Dutchmen
Found On Road Draggin
Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster
Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge
First On Repair Day
FORD Owners Really Dumb
From Our Reject Department
LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit
Get Everything Overpriced
Got Everything Overhauled
God's Mechanical Curse
Getting Mostly Crap
GM Made Crap
Generally Makes Clouds
Garage Man's Companion
Generic Motors Corporation
Got A Mechanic Coming?
Greatest Mistake Created
Great Mountain of Crap
Greasy Messy Contraption
Gay Man's Chevy
Generically Made Chevrolet
Gimme My Checkbook!
Get More Cash!
Had One, Never Did Again
Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything (From James Bragg)
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Honda Options: No Deal Available!
Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!
Honda Options Never Deal Affordably
Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!
Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)
Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources
Here's Y U Never Drive An Import
Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive
Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved
Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception
Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside
Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside
Just Empty Every Pocket
Just Expect Every Problem (Sent in by a visitor)
Junk Each & Every Part (Sent in by a visitor)
Just Eats Every Penny
Just Everybody Else's Parts
Junk Everyone Eventually Piles
Just Expect Extra Payments
Just A Guess U Are Rich (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)
Jumps Around Grinds Uncontrollably Always Rusting
Jump Around Get Up And Run
Keep It Away!
Kick It's Ass
Korean Imitation Accord
Korea's Imported Accident
Killer's Imported Asset
Kiss It Away
Killed In Action
Keep Inside Asia
Korea Invades America
Korean Industrial Accident
Killer Implosion Awaits
Killed In Accident
Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image
Lucky A Man By Owning Really Gives His Image Nice Inflation
Litigant In Numerous Claims Of Legal Negligence (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious
Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt
Most Are Zealously Duped Always
My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero
Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve
Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon
Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents (Courtesy James Bragg, FightingChance.com)
May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside (Sent in by a visitor)
Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation
Match Old Parts As Required
Most Often Parked At Roadside
Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'
Move Over People Are Racing
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Motor On Pavement After Race
Moments Of Power Are Rare
Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz
Need I Say Something About Nothing
Never In Season Simply A No-show
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PLYMOUTH Please Leave Your Money Order Under The Hood (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac
Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky Ass Crap
Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil
Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned
Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything
PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING
Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything
Regal Opulent Lovely Luxury Sedan (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
Some Ass Actually Boughtit!
Styling Absent After Buyout
Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate
Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed American Buyers
Start Adding Additional Brakefluid
Stop Asking About Brakes!
Sorry As A Bum
Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty
Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now
Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Same American Trash Under Revised Name
Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas
SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)
Subaru: Souped Up Bad Ass Racing Unit
Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit
The one you ought to avoid (Sent in by a visitor)
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Totalled Only Yesterday, Officer Towed Away
This One You Oughta Tow Away
To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile
Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away
Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options
VW Very Worrisome (Sent in by Alan Boyd)
Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise