Car salesman jokes

funny dealer

Car salesman jokes

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

 

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

 

"Really? Great! Show me!"

 

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

 

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

 

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

 

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

 

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman.

 

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked

 

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

 

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,

 

"Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

 

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

 

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

 

"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"

 

"Why, yes I did."

 

"And did you use my name?"

 

"Why, yes how did you know?"

 

"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly
dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
"Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've
been doing it ever since I got out of school, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a salesman too! What dealership are you with?"

 

Two salesmen were traveling through northern Wisconsin one Feb. and it started to snow. Harder and harder till they came to a complete stop. One said "Hey there is a light on the hill. Must be a farm house, lets get up there and see if we can sleep in the barn rather than this cold car." After the widow lady answered the door bell and they explained their problem she said "Well gentlemen, you don't have to sleep in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here. Please come in and I will make some warm dinner for you." They did and then watched some TV and all went to bed. The next morning the roads had been cleared and they thanked the widow and left.

 

About 9 months later one salesman got a registered letter from the law offices of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe in Madison Wisconsin. After he read the letter he immediately called his associate and said, "Hey Jim, do you remember when we got stuck in the snow last winter in Wisconsin?" Sure replied Jim. "Well, tell me something, did you by any chance sneak into the widows bedroom that night?" "Well!" replied the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. But why do you ask?""Tell me something else, first," he replied "did you by any chance use my name?" "Well," said the salesman, "as a matter of fact I did. After all you are single and always sleeping around and I'm married and can't so I figured it was safer that way. Why? what happened? Why are you asking these questions?"

 

"Well" the first salesman said, "It seems she died and left me the farm!"

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

 

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

 

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

 

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

 

What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?

 

Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying.

 

A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.

Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?

Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.

Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?

Customer : Um, okay.

Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.

Customer : I'll take one of those too.

 

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

 

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.

Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.

Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?

Man: Why would I want to do that?

Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

Always Under Diagnostic Inspection

Always Upside-down, Double Interest

Another Understated Dealer Incentive

A Used Dodge Incognito

 

 

 

BMW

Bob Marley and the Wailers

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Beautiful Models Wanted

Bavarian Manure Wagon

Biggest Metal Waste

Big Money Works

Bring My Wallet

Burn My Wallet

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

Break My Window

Bring More Women

Bring More Wrenches

Bavarian Money Waster

Bring My Wad!

Blew My Wad!

Big Money Wasted

Bring Money Where?

Buy More Women

But Mom, Why?

Big Manufactured Waste

 

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer

 

CADILLAC

Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions

Company Asking Dealers If Local Lawyers Are Calling

 

CAMARO

Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing

 

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time

Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time

Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time

Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time

Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattling Oil Leaking Everywhere Truck

 

CHEVY

Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time

Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean?

Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet

Crap Hasn't Evolved Yet

 

CHRYSLER

Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for:

I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America

 

Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair (From James Bragg)

Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery

Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions

PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name)

PT Boozer

 

CORVETTE

Costly Ordinary Repairs, Very Expensive Transmissions Tires Etc (Sent in by Alan Boyd)

 

DAEWOO

Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations

Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally

 

DODGE

Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive

Doesn't only die, gets eaten

Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater

Design Of Diabolical German Engineer

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere

Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive

Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine

Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)

Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine

Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone

 

FERRARI

Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively

 

FIAT

Found In A Trashcan

Fantastic In A Tightspot

Finest Italian Automotive Technology

Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation

Failure In Italian Automotive Technology

Fix It All the Time

Fix it again, Tony!

Fix It Another Time

 

FIRESTONE

Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers (I worked on this one for 2 hours! - Jeff)

Firestone Overstates Reliability Data (The best one I've come up with yet, my personal fav.- Jeff)

 

FORD

Aspire: A Swift Punt In Rear End

PINTO: Please, It's Not Too Odious!

PINTO: Pyrotechnics Inevitable; No Timer Onboard

PINTO: Put In New Transmission Often

Ford Pinto: Flaming Oven Roasted Driver-Passengers Incinerated Nine Times Over (Sent in by Laurin)

THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)

MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes

Found on repairman's doorstep

Found on rack daily

Ford Owners Recommend Dodge

Full Of Rust Deposits

Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable

F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER

Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us

F**ker Only Rolls Downhill

Fancy Oil Recycling Device

Found On Rubbish Dump

F***ed Over Road Disaster!

F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em

F**king Obese Road Disasters

F**king Old Retarded Dudes

Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation

F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge

For Old Retired Drunks

Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot

Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family

First On Recall Day

Fast On Race Day

For Off Road Driving

Fireball On Rear Damage

First On Race Day

First On Rust and Deterioration

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven

Fault Of R & D

MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage

F***ed On Raw Deal

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron's DNA

Flip Over, Read Directions

Fork Over Remaining Dough

F**king Owners Really Dumb

F***ed On Race Day

(F)illped (O)ver (R)esevation (D)ecoration

(F)**ked (O)ver (R)ebuilt (D)iahatsu

For Old Retired Dutchmen

Found On Road Draggin

Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster

Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge

First On Repair Day

FORD Owners Really Dumb

From Our Reject Department

LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit

 

GEO

Get Everything Overpriced

Got Everything Overhauled

 

GM

Government Motors

General Maintenance

General Mistakes

Generally Malfunctions

General Misery

Great Mess

General Malpractice

Genital Motors

Give More

GiMme

Getting Malignant

Got Me

Grab Me

 

GMC

God's Mechanical Curse

Getting Mostly Crap

GM Made Crap

Generally Makes Clouds

Garage Man's Companion

Generic Motors Corporation

Got A Mechanic Coming?

Greatest Mistake Created

Great Mountain of Crap

Greasy Messy Contraption

Gay Man's Chevy

Generically Made Chevrolet

Gimme My Checkbook!

Get More Cash!

 

HONDA

Had One, Never Did Again

Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance

Hang On, Not Done Accelerating

Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything (From James Bragg)

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

Honda Options: No Deal Available!

Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!

Honda Options Never Deal Affordably

Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!

 

HUMMER

Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)

Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources

 

HYUNDAI

Here's Y U Never Drive An Import

Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive

Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved

Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception

Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside

Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside

 

Jeep

Just Empty Every Pocket

Just Expect Every Problem (Sent in by a visitor)

Junk Each & Every Part (Sent in by a visitor)

Just Eats Every Penny

Just Everybody Else's Parts

Junk Everyone Eventually Piles

Just Expect Extra Payments

 

Jaguar

Just A Guess U Are Rich (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)

Jumps Around Grinds Uncontrollably Always Rusting

Jump Around Get Up And Run

 

Kia

Keep It Away!

Kick It's Ass

Korean Imitation Accord

Korea's Imported Accident

Killer's Imported Asset

Kiss It Away

Killed In Action

Keep Inside Asia

Korea Invades America

Korean Industrial Accident

Killer Implosion Awaits

Killed In Accident

 

LAMBORGHINI

Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image

Lucky A Man By Owning Really Gives His Image Nice Inflation

 

Lincoln

Litigant In Numerous Claims Of Legal Negligence (Sent in by Alan Boyd)

 

LOTUS

Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious

 

Maserati

Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements (Sent in by Roger Markowitz)

 

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt

Most Are Zealously Duped Always

 

MERCEDES

My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero

Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve

Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon

 

MITSUBISHI

Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete

Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents (Courtesy James Bragg, FightingChance.com)

May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside (Sent in by a visitor)

Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation

 

MOPAR

Match Old Parts As Required

Most Often Parked At Roadside

Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly

My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'

Move Over People Are Racing

Mostly Old Parts And Rust

Motor On Pavement After Race

Moments Of Power Are Rare

 

NISSAN

Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz

Need I Say Something About Nothing

Never In Season Simply A No-show

 

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

Oldmobile

 

PLYMOUTH

PLYMOUTH Please Leave Your Money Order Under The Hood (Sent in by Alan Boyd)

 

PONTIAC

Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac

Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky Ass Crap

Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car

FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil

Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned

 

PORSCHE

Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything

PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING

Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything

 

ROLLS

Regal Opulent Lovely Luxury Sedan (Sent in by Alan Boyd)

 

SAAB

Some Ass Actually Boughtit!

Styling Absent After Buyout

Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate

Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards

Sad Attempt At Beauty

Send Another Automobile Back

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

Sorry Assed American Buyers

Start Adding Additional Brakefluid

Stop Asking About Brakes!

Sorry As A Bum

 

SALEEN

Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty

 

SATURN

Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now

Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed

Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed

Same American Trash Under Revised Name

 

SUBARU

Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas

SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)

Subaru: Souped Up Bad Ass Racing Unit

Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit

 

TOYOTA

The one you ought to avoid (Sent in by a visitor)

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Totalled Only Yesterday, Officer Towed Away

This One You Oughta Tow Away

To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile

Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away

Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

 

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

 

VW

VW Very Worrisome (Sent in by Alan Boyd)

Virtually Worthless

Very Wonderful

Very Weird

Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise

Volks Who?

 

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